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2020 floppy bat taco Bundesliga relegation sissy boi slap fight

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That was absolutely worth the wait.

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Can we throw Schalke into this? They're unfathomably shit.

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7 hours ago, nudge said:

That was absolutely worth the wait.

Agreed. 

Inspired poetry at the end but I knew he couldn't count... 

7 hours ago, Devil-Dick Willie said:

18th. Paderborn. They've been promoted, and will be subsequently demoted, they've been the worst team in the league (by a margin as narrow as Bosingwas brow) and should resume regular service in the fiery pits of hell come seasons end.
17th. (REDACTED). Nothing to see here.
 16th. Dusseldorf. Honestly oh fortuna have probably been less shit than a couple of teams above them, but they're naive and can't hold leads. Like a 3 year old walking a pitbull. 
15th. Mainz. Possibly the worst team in the league, but Quaison has pulled them kicking and screaming through another season unscathed THUS FAR. Fortuna and (REDACTED) are coming for you fools.
14th Eintracht Frankfurt. "Too many Erkels on your team that's why your wins low" Kanye West.
15th Augsburg. When relegation is the subject Augsburg will always be on the tip of the tongue. They do have a knack for escaping though. Like a corona virus patient escaping from their house to visit friends, nursing homes and Peru.

 

 

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$5 on an injured Alexander Meier coming out of the stands on the 92th minute of the last game of the season to score a hattrick and save Frankfurt from relegation, sending Werder Bremen into annihilation and Devil Dick into the arms of the first slam pig he sees post-quarantine. 

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What a round of shithouse action!!!!
Bayern won a shit game to win the shit Bundesliga for the shit time in a row

And as for our heroes at the bottom....

In Gladbach vs (REDACTED) nothing happened. Told you
Augsburg vs Paderborn....Nothing happened
Union vs Mainz.... Nothing hap well actually they each scored and shared the points.
Frankfurter and Frieburg also shared the spoils in a 3-3 draw.
Fortuna beat Schalke!!! Making Schalke the official worst team in the league!! Fortuna have landed the first slap. 
How can she slap?

As for the rest of the games. "It's like putting peanut butter on your balls and feeding your sisters dog" Martin Tyler. 
The table as it stands

18th Paderborn 19pts
17th (REDACTED) 22pts
16th Dusseldorf 27pts
15th Mainz 28pts
14th Eintracht Frankfurt 29pts

Bonus round. We're going to imagine Schalke have 30 points. Would they get relegated from this position?
Schalke. 30pts Form. LLLDLLLDD
Next weeked...

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I've read that if we'd always kept our lead, we would have 22 points more than now. So we're basically a Europa League level team. :ph34r:

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and if they weren't a German team they'd be worth watching. Ifs and buts.

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Posted (edited)

If I drew a picture of the goal and sent it to Gelsenkirchen, half the team would not understand what it was!:eek:  the other half would only know 'cos they are so used to having to turn round and empty it!

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Thread of the year material right here.

I start supporting Werder and the results come slowly rolling in. 
 

Coincidence? That’s Joincidence with a C.

 

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4 hours ago, DeadLinesman said:

I start supporting Werder

Another thirsty boy going for the woman's team, I see. 

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22 minutes ago, Tommy said:

Another thirsty boy going for the woman's team, I see. 

I’m DMing her on WhatsApp right now. That’s right.

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Bruh you gotta get on her onlyfans. The things she does with her Pizarro waifu pillow and Diego figurine will make you question reality.

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I've got to say that I believe that Werder will avoid the drop. Bremen have got some of their key players back, they are starting to play well as a team, they also have a game in hand and they have arguably an easier remaining run of games in their fixture list, compared to most of the other sides trying to avoid relegation. 

Paderborn are all but officially relegated in my view. I personally think they will be joined by either Fortuna Dusseldorf or Mainz.

Here is the list of remaining fixtures for the teams who have a realistic chance of getting automatically relegated:

*I didn't include Paderborn because with 19 points at this stage, they are screwed, plus they have at least 2 or 3 very hard fixtures remaining. I also didn't include Frankfurt because the club are on 32 points, the team have a game in hand and all their remaining matches are winnable. 

(Currently on 25 points)                (Currently on 27 points)                      (Currently on 28 points)        (Currently on 31 points)           (Currently on 31 points)

Werder Bremen:                             Fortuna Dusseldorf:                              FSV Mainz:                              Union Berlin:                              FC Augsburg:         

Frankfurt (H)                                    Hoffenheim (H)                                     Frankfurt (A)                             Schalke (H)                                Koln (H)

Wolfsburg (H)                                  Dortmund (H)                                        Augsburg (H)                            Koln (A)                                       Mainz (A)

Paderborn (A)                                  RB Leipzig (A)                                        Dortmund (A)                           Paderborn (H)                            Hoffenheim (H)

Bayern Munich (H)                          Augsburg (H)                                         Werder Bremen (H)                 Hoffenheim (A)                          Fortuna Dusseldorf (A)

Mainz (A)                                          Union Berlin (A)                                     Leverkusen (A)                        Fortuna Dusseldorf (H)             RB Leipzig (H)

Koln (H)

 

Werder Bremen: You'd have to think that Werder will beat Paderborn on their current form. Werder will inevitably lose to Bayern, but all their other remaining fixtures are potentially winnable.

Fortuna Dusseldorf: Fortuna will no doubt lose to Dortmund and Leipzig, which makes the Augsburg and Union Berlin fixtures must win games and Fortuna are very capable of getting 6 points in these 2 fixtures. But I think this makes the Hoffenheim match potentially critical. However, Hoffenheim are starting to play well, plus they are stronger than Augsburg and Union, but Fortuna could still potentially get points off of them. 

FSV Mainz: Mainz also have 2 fixtures which they are bound to lose, namely against Dortmund and Leverkusen. That means their other remaining 3 fixtures will be do or die battles.

Union Berlin: Union's remaining 5 matches are all potentially winnable, for this reason and because of their current points tally, I doubt they will get relegated.

FC Augsburg: Heiko Herrlich's team don't realistically have a chance in their final fixture against RB Leipzig. Nevertheless, this inevitably means that they will try their hardest to get as many points as possible from their other remaining 4 fixtures, where points will be in theory easier to come by, compared to against the Red Bull club.

If I have to stick my neck out and give a verdict on which two teams I believe will be automatically relegated from the Bundesliga, then I would have to say Paderborn and probably Fortuna Dusseldorf(sorry Tommy).

 

 

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Mainz vs Bremen
Dusseldorf vs Augsburg

Both on penultimate day - could be very interesting how that pans out throughout the day. 

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2 hours ago, Devil-Dick Willie said:

Bremen vs Mainz could very easily end up being winner takes all

If that does end up being the case, then that will be one hell of a match to watch. We will get to see what each team is really made of when the chips are down.

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On 28/05/2020 at 00:30, Devil-Dick Willie said:

What a round of shithouse action!!!!
Bayern won a shit game to win the shit Bundesliga for the shit time in a row

And as for our heroes at the bottom....

In Gladbach vs (REDACTED) nothing happened. Told you
Augsburg vs Paderborn....Nothing happened
Union vs Mainz.... Nothing hap well actually they each scored and shared the points.
Frankfurter and Frieburg also shared the spoils in a 3-3 draw.
Fortuna beat Schalke!!! Making Schalke the official worst team in the league!! Fortuna have landed the first slap. 
How can she slap?

As for the rest of the games. "It's like putting peanut butter on your balls and feeding your sisters dog" Martin Tyler. 
The table as it stands

18th Paderborn 19pts
17th (REDACTED) 22pts
16th Dusseldorf 27pts
15th Mainz 28pts
14th Eintracht Frankfurt 29pts

Bonus round. We're going to imagine Schalke have 30 points. Would they get relegated from this position?
Schalke. 30pts Form. LLLDLLLDD
Next weeked...

How can she slap?

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Thread of the Year

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Bremen only 3 points off safety :o 

 

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So hey there hows it going? PRETTY FUCKING SHIT IF YOU'RE STILL ON THIS LIST RN

How were the weekend matches? Let's see now

Dusseldorf fell to Dortmund 1-0. The good news here is Brusselsprout dropped the points, the bad news is Bayern haven't won the league yet....
Paderborn were put to the sword and relegated. I think this game must have taken place in Bermuda tho, as there's no evidence of it happening. 
Union defeated Koln. They are now realistically safe. Good for them:)
Experiment Schalke are now without a win in 13 games, after drawing with Neverkusen. "It's like getting a boner over your sisters side boob in front of your parents at the beach." Martin Tyler.
Augsburg I will never say another bad word against as they rose up with a first minute strike to defeat Mainz. This moves them out of the danger zone for now. 


The communist table of equals as it stands 

18th Paderborn 20pts
17th (REDACTED) 28pts
16th Fortunefinding Dusseldwarf 28pts
15th Mainz 31pts
14th Experiment gas and ass 32pts

It's actually kind of a shame Schalke aren't on 32 points or they'd almost certainly be going down

Congratulations Union and Augsburg, for their temporary reprieve.
Commiserations to Paderborn as their games will be struck from the list as who gives a fuck about a dead man walking? Except religious ppl evidently. 

Our mid week fiasco to come looks like this
Bayern Munich. That is all
Dortmund will hold host to Mainz. Could be a dead rubber for Dortmund however. 
Leipzig shall burn FC Digimon to the ground with acidic fumes from their beverage. 
Schalke play Frankfurt in a "sausage vs gas cooker who would win?" match
 

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Great weekend for Union and Augsburg for sure. I'm so happy to see Union looking as if they are set to remain in the top division for another year. 

Bad list ahead for the relegation teams as they all appear to be heavily outmatched. Any points from the 3 fighters could prove pivotal. 

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Whats up cunts who still even gives a fuck about football anyway

Bayern Munich became champions, man must feel really special being the 8th time and all. You're not bored yet? There are 8 year old kids in school who've never seen a team not named Bayern win the league. Fuck off you prats. Manuel Neuer decided it would be a cool day to relive past glory as well rather than just be a fat prick like usual. 

RB Leipzig bottled it vs Dusseldorf. Shit cunts. Everyone drink a V energy in protest.

Experiment Schalke, how I wish they were real. 2 points picked up since the league resumed. You deserve relegation, not the others

Mainz beat Dortmund. I wish Bayern lay down and died like Dortmund, I bet Tommy wishes Leipzig did too. Congratulations Mainz, but lets take a second to talk about Dortmund. You're a gimp club that was propped up by hipsters for 3 seasons before even they abandoned you. Actually people "Loving the club" and abandoning them is a recurring theme, with Sahin and Gotze and Hummels.... Your kit is shit too. Fucking bees. Endangered species, and remember that kit that made you look like you were run over by a tractor? I wish you fucking were. Couldn't relegate Hoffenheim back in 2013 but you'd relegate Dusseldorf or Bremen happily? You're a joke. You're an also ran and I hope someone throws acid in Favres face tomorrow. 

It's basically down to 2 teams now

Doodledwarf porn play Augsburg

Bremen vs Mainz get em son. 

In the shithouse words of Metallica, fuck the table.  

 

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You can tell he didn't even watch any of it. 🤫

 

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