Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted May 24, 2020 (edited) 2020 has brought us the plague, a plague like no other. This plague has hit Germany especially hard. I am of course talking about the plague of shit football. Honestly it's been a fucking shit season for football for everyone outside of Atalanta and Liverpool. No ones been any good. Now in this especially shit season, the Bundesliga has been especially erogenous. Everyone below the top 7 deserves to be relegated. So who are the turds who are stinking up the league??? Why do they hate winning??? Who ran over Stone Cold??? It's not a battle it's a sissy boi slap fight. 18th. Paderborn. They've been promoted, and will be subsequently demoted, they've been the worst team in the league (by a margin as narrow as Bosingwas brow) and should resume regular service in the fiery pits of hell come seasons end. 17th. (REDACTED). Nothing to see here. 16th. Dusseldorf. Honestly oh fortuna have probably been less shit than a couple of teams above them, but they're naive and can't hold leads. Like a 3 year old walking a pitbull. 15th. Mainz. Possibly the worst team in the league, but Quaison has pulled them kicking and screaming through another season unscathed THUS FAR. Fortuna and (REDACTED) are coming for you fools. 14th Eintracht Frankfurt. "Too many Erkels on your team that's why your wins low" Kanye West. 13th Augsburg. When relegation is the subject Augsburg will always be on the tip of the tongue. They do have a knack for escaping though. Like a corona virus patient escaping from their house to visit friends, nursing homes and Peru. A quick note. The frantic fixture list will favor teams who have higher fitness levels, and less traveling to do. Someone get Felix Magath on the phone. His time has come. Frankfurt vs Freiburg. Frankfurt could likely avoid relegation with just 2 wins. This is a good opportunity to create some breathing room. (Redacted) vs Monchengladbach There's nothing interesting about this fixture. Weird. Augsburg vs Paderborn. Not quite a 6 pointer but both teams will view this as a huge opportunity for points. Likely outcome? An unsatisfying draw. "It's like finger boning your step sister" Martin Tyler. Union Berlin vs Mainz. Union will see this as a great opportunity to climb the ladder at the expense of a demoralized Mainz. Dusseldorf vs Schalke. 2 teams who can't win. Another draw on the cards? "It's like watching porn with your sister" Martin Tyler. "And so on we may march, through these turbulent pangolins. Bats in the sky, herald the end times A violent thunder, like the crashing of a hundred economies Such a stir has never before been fried" Phing Phong Dick-Willie. Ancient Chinese poet. Edited May 25, 2020 by Devil-Dick Willie 8 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nudge 8,395 Posted May 24, 2020 That was absolutely worth the wait. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dan 1,365 Posted May 25, 2020 Can we throw Schalke into this? They're unfathomably shit. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stan 10,405 Posted May 25, 2020 7 hours ago, nudge said: That was absolutely worth the wait. Agreed. Inspired poetry at the end but I knew he couldn't count... 7 hours ago, Devil-Dick Willie said: 18th. Paderborn. They've been promoted, and will be subsequently demoted, they've been the worst team in the league (by a margin as narrow as Bosingwas brow) and should resume regular service in the fiery pits of hell come seasons end. 17th. (REDACTED). Nothing to see here. 16th. Dusseldorf. Honestly oh fortuna have probably been less shit than a couple of teams above them, but they're naive and can't hold leads. Like a 3 year old walking a pitbull. 15th. Mainz. Possibly the worst team in the league, but Quaison has pulled them kicking and screaming through another season unscathed THUS FAR. Fortuna and (REDACTED) are coming for you fools. 14th Eintracht Frankfurt. "Too many Erkels on your team that's why your wins low" Kanye West. 15th Augsburg. When relegation is the subject Augsburg will always be on the tip of the tongue. They do have a knack for escaping though. Like a corona virus patient escaping from their house to visit friends, nursing homes and Peru. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spike 2,690 Posted May 25, 2020 $5 on an injured Alexander Meier coming out of the stands on the 92th minute of the last game of the season to score a hattrick and save Frankfurt from relegation, sending Werder Bremen into annihilation and Devil Dick into the arms of the first slam pig he sees post-quarantine. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted May 27, 2020 What a round of shithouse action!!!! Bayern won a shit game to win the shit Bundesliga for the shit time in a row And as for our heroes at the bottom.... In Gladbach vs (REDACTED) nothing happened. Told you Augsburg vs Paderborn....Nothing happened Union vs Mainz.... Nothing hap well actually they each scored and shared the points. Frankfurter and Frieburg also shared the spoils in a 3-3 draw. Fortuna beat Schalke!!! Making Schalke the official worst team in the league!! Fortuna have landed the first slap. As for the rest of the games. "It's like putting peanut butter on your balls and feeding your sisters dog" Martin Tyler. The table as it stands 18th Paderborn 19pts 17th (REDACTED) 22pts 16th Dusseldorf 27pts 15th Mainz 28pts 14th Eintracht Frankfurt 29pts Bonus round. We're going to imagine Schalke have 30 points. Would they get relegated from this position? Schalke. 30pts Form. LLLDLLLDD Next weeked... 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tommy 4,961 Posted May 27, 2020 I've read that if we'd always kept our lead, we would have 22 points more than now. So we're basically a Europa League level team. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted May 28, 2020 If we could score x3 goals we'd be champions league buddy. Ifs and buts. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spike 2,690 Posted May 28, 2020 and if they weren't a German team they'd be worth watching. Ifs and buts. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SchalkeUK 331 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) If I drew a picture of the goal and sent it to Gelsenkirchen, half the team would not understand what it was! the other half would only know 'cos they are so used to having to turn round and empty it! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted May 30, 2020 What a weekend of action!!!! Mainz, Dusseldorf, Schalke and Augsburg lose, because they suck!!! 10 man Frankfurt win!!!! And as for (REDACTED).... Welcome to the hot seat Union Berlin!!! Quick run down on them. They suck, but their defense is better than most of the league tbh. The table as it stands. 18th Paderborn 19pts (game in hand vs Dortmund) 17th (REDACTED) 25pts 16th Fortunefinding Dusseldwarf 27pts 15th Mainz 28pts 14th Augsburg 31pts 13th Union Berlin 31pts (game in hand vs Monchengladbach) Experiment Schalke. 14th 30pts. Form LLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSS No draws this week. Martin Tylers sister is safe. Next week.... Union play Monchengladbach, AND Schalke. Sadly not at the same time though. Paderborn will lay down vs Dortmund, and with the energy conserved, go on to lay down vs Leipzig Eintracht Frankfurt have a game. Then they also play Mainz on Sunday. Dusseldorf host the HOFF. Also Wolfsburg are gettin around on Sunday. Where to? No one knows. Possibly Bielefeld. 7 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DeadLinesman 3,263 Posted May 31, 2020 Thread of the year material right here. I start supporting Werder and the results come slowly rolling in. Coincidence? That’s Joincidence with a C. 2 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tommy 4,961 Posted May 31, 2020 4 hours ago, DeadLinesman said: I start supporting Werder Another thirsty boy going for the woman's team, I see. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DeadLinesman 3,263 Posted May 31, 2020 22 minutes ago, Tommy said: Another thirsty boy going for the woman's team, I see. I’m DMing her on WhatsApp right now. That’s right. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted May 31, 2020 Bruh you gotta get on her onlyfans. The things she does with her Pizarro waifu pillow and Diego figurine will make you question reality. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Michael 518 Posted June 2, 2020 I've got to say that I believe that Werder will avoid the drop. Bremen have got some of their key players back, they are starting to play well as a team, they also have a game in hand and they have arguably an easier remaining run of games in their fixture list, compared to most of the other sides trying to avoid relegation. Paderborn are all but officially relegated in my view. I personally think they will be joined by either Fortuna Dusseldorf or Mainz. Here is the list of remaining fixtures for the teams who have a realistic chance of getting automatically relegated: *I didn't include Paderborn because with 19 points at this stage, they are screwed, plus they have at least 2 or 3 very hard fixtures remaining. I also didn't include Frankfurt because the club are on 32 points, the team have a game in hand and all their remaining matches are winnable. (Currently on 25 points) (Currently on 27 points) (Currently on 28 points) (Currently on 31 points) (Currently on 31 points) Werder Bremen: Fortuna Dusseldorf: FSV Mainz: Union Berlin: FC Augsburg: Frankfurt (H) Hoffenheim (H) Frankfurt (A) Schalke (H) Koln (H) Wolfsburg (H) Dortmund (H) Augsburg (H) Koln (A) Mainz (A) Paderborn (A) RB Leipzig (A) Dortmund (A) Paderborn (H) Hoffenheim (H) Bayern Munich (H) Augsburg (H) Werder Bremen (H) Hoffenheim (A) Fortuna Dusseldorf (A) Mainz (A) Union Berlin (A) Leverkusen (A) Fortuna Dusseldorf (H) RB Leipzig (H) Koln (H) Werder Bremen: You'd have to think that Werder will beat Paderborn on their current form. Werder will inevitably lose to Bayern, but all their other remaining fixtures are potentially winnable. Fortuna Dusseldorf: Fortuna will no doubt lose to Dortmund and Leipzig, which makes the Augsburg and Union Berlin fixtures must win games and Fortuna are very capable of getting 6 points in these 2 fixtures. But I think this makes the Hoffenheim match potentially critical. However, Hoffenheim are starting to play well, plus they are stronger than Augsburg and Union, but Fortuna could still potentially get points off of them. FSV Mainz: Mainz also have 2 fixtures which they are bound to lose, namely against Dortmund and Leverkusen. That means their other remaining 3 fixtures will be do or die battles. Union Berlin: Union's remaining 5 matches are all potentially winnable, for this reason and because of their current points tally, I doubt they will get relegated. FC Augsburg: Heiko Herrlich's team don't realistically have a chance in their final fixture against RB Leipzig. Nevertheless, this inevitably means that they will try their hardest to get as many points as possible from their other remaining 4 fixtures, where points will be in theory easier to come by, compared to against the Red Bull club. If I have to stick my neck out and give a verdict on which two teams I believe will be automatically relegated from the Bundesliga, then I would have to say Paderborn and probably Fortuna Dusseldorf(sorry Tommy). 1 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stan 10,405 Posted June 2, 2020 That's your job done then @Devil-Dick Willie 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stan 10,405 Posted June 2, 2020 Mainz vs Bremen Dusseldorf vs Augsburg Both on penultimate day - could be very interesting how that pans out throughout the day. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted June 2, 2020 Bremen vs Mainz could very easily end up being winner takes all 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Michael 518 Posted June 2, 2020 2 hours ago, Devil-Dick Willie said: Bremen vs Mainz could very easily end up being winner takes all If that does end up being the case, then that will be one hell of a match to watch. We will get to see what each team is really made of when the chips are down. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
God is Haaland 575 Posted June 2, 2020 On 28/05/2020 at 00:30, Devil-Dick Willie said: What a round of shithouse action!!!! Bayern won a shit game to win the shit Bundesliga for the shit time in a row And as for our heroes at the bottom.... In Gladbach vs (REDACTED) nothing happened. Told you Augsburg vs Paderborn....Nothing happened Union vs Mainz.... Nothing hap well actually they each scored and shared the points. Frankfurter and Frieburg also shared the spoils in a 3-3 draw. Fortuna beat Schalke!!! Making Schalke the official worst team in the league!! Fortuna have landed the first slap. As for the rest of the games. "It's like putting peanut butter on your balls and feeding your sisters dog" Martin Tyler. The table as it stands 18th Paderborn 19pts 17th (REDACTED) 22pts 16th Dusseldorf 27pts 15th Mainz 28pts 14th Eintracht Frankfurt 29pts Bonus round. We're going to imagine Schalke have 30 points. Would they get relegated from this position? Schalke. 30pts Form. LLLDLLLDD Next weeked... How can she slap? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted June 8, 2020 So how was the week that was? I found it almost as depressing as coronavirus and a can of pepper spray to the face of a woman in crutches combined. Paderborn picked up 1 point from their 2 games, conceding 6 to Dortmund but showing spirit against RB. However, Paderborn are done and dusted realistically, 8pts adrift with 4 games to go."It's like getting the worlds saddest handjob from your sister" Martin Tyler. REDACTED. This information has been classified by the CIA. Return to your homes rioters. Union dropped the easiest 3pts in the league, collecting a draw against Schalke and a hammering from Gladbach, however they remain out of striking distance from Doodledwarf. "Its like getting smacked on your ass by your sister" Martin Tyler MAINZ WON!!!!!!! Oh lordy lord. No wonder theres rioting across the streets of America. This keeps them above Doofenschmirtz evil INC for another week. Augusburg were held to a draw by Koln. "It's like getting held by the pee pee by your sister" Martin Tyler This means the table looks like DIS!!!! 18th Paderborn 20pts 17th (REDACTED) 25pts 16th Fortunefinding Dusseldwarf 28pts 15th Mainz 31pts 14th Union Berlin 32pts 13th Augsburg 32pts Experiment Schalke. 14th 31pts This week, on report of the week Dortmund vs Dusseldorf in a Tsubasa vs Tommy gloryhunter ITOLDYOUSOIN2012 extravaganza. Union vs Koln in what might be the worst game in history Mainz vs Augsburg. Spoke too soon. Schalke free fall vs Neverkusen As for Paderborn..... back the fuck up scum. 8 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stan 10,405 Posted June 13, 2020 Bremen only 3 points off safety Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted June 15, 2020 So hey there hows it going? PRETTY FUCKING SHIT IF YOU'RE STILL ON THIS LIST RN How were the weekend matches? Let's see now Dusseldorf fell to Dortmund 1-0. The good news here is Brusselsprout dropped the points, the bad news is Bayern haven't won the league yet.... Paderborn were put to the sword and relegated. I think this game must have taken place in Bermuda tho, as there's no evidence of it happening. Union defeated Koln. They are now realistically safe. Good for them Experiment Schalke are now without a win in 13 games, after drawing with Neverkusen. "It's like getting a boner over your sisters side boob in front of your parents at the beach." Martin Tyler. Augsburg I will never say another bad word against as they rose up with a first minute strike to defeat Mainz. This moves them out of the danger zone for now. The communist table of equals as it stands 18th Paderborn 20pts 17th (REDACTED) 28pts 16th Fortunefinding Dusseldwarf 28pts 15th Mainz 31pts 14th Experiment gas and ass 32pts It's actually kind of a shame Schalke aren't on 32 points or they'd almost certainly be going down Congratulations Union and Augsburg, for their temporary reprieve. Commiserations to Paderborn as their games will be struck from the list as who gives a fuck about a dead man walking? Except religious ppl evidently. Our mid week fiasco to come looks like this Bayern Munich. That is all Dortmund will hold host to Mainz. Could be a dead rubber for Dortmund however. Leipzig shall burn FC Digimon to the ground with acidic fumes from their beverage. Schalke play Frankfurt in a "sausage vs gas cooker who would win?" match 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Eco 2,116 Posted June 15, 2020 Great weekend for Union and Augsburg for sure. I'm so happy to see Union looking as if they are set to remain in the top division for another year. Bad list ahead for the relegation teams as they all appear to be heavily outmatched. Any points from the 3 fighters could prove pivotal. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted June 17, 2020 Whats up cunts who still even gives a fuck about football anyway Bayern Munich became champions, man must feel really special being the 8th time and all. You're not bored yet? There are 8 year old kids in school who've never seen a team not named Bayern win the league. Fuck off you prats. Manuel Neuer decided it would be a cool day to relive past glory as well rather than just be a fat prick like usual. RB Leipzig bottled it vs Dusseldorf. Shit cunts. Everyone drink a V energy in protest. Experiment Schalke, how I wish they were real. 2 points picked up since the league resumed. You deserve relegation, not the others Mainz beat Dortmund. I wish Bayern lay down and died like Dortmund, I bet Tommy wishes Leipzig did too. Congratulations Mainz, but lets take a second to talk about Dortmund. You're a gimp club that was propped up by hipsters for 3 seasons before even they abandoned you. Actually people "Loving the club" and abandoning them is a recurring theme, with Sahin and Gotze and Hummels.... Your kit is shit too. Fucking bees. Endangered species, and remember that kit that made you look like you were run over by a tractor? I wish you fucking were. Couldn't relegate Hoffenheim back in 2013 but you'd relegate Dusseldorf or Bremen happily? You're a joke. You're an also ran and I hope someone throws acid in Favres face tomorrow. It's basically down to 2 teams now Doodledwarf porn play Augsburg Bremen vs Mainz get em son. In the shithouse words of Metallica, fuck the table. 1 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tommy 4,961 Posted June 17, 2020 You can tell he didn't even watch any of it. 🤫 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devil-Dick Willie 1,618 Posted June 17, 2020 39 minutes ago, Tommy said: You can tell he didn't even watch any of it. 🤫 I watched bremens game. Even caught the tail end of Dusseldorfs from work. Although why I brought it upon myself to watch your pack of gimps drag themselves to a 10000th draw for the season is a mystery to myself that will forever remain unsolved. Maybe the next team you support can be french or some shit so we don't have to put up with your incessant self pity and attempts to high horse someone who doesn't swap teams more often than they get laid. 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
