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2020 floppy bat taco Bundesliga relegation sissy boi slap fight


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2020 has brought us the plague, a plague like no other. This plague has hit Germany especially hard. I am of course talking about the plague of shit football. Honestly it's been a fucking shit season for football for everyone outside of Atalanta and Liverpool. No ones been any good. Now in this especially shit season, the Bundesliga has been especially erogenous. Everyone below the top 7 deserves to be relegated. So who are the turds who are stinking up the league??? Why do they hate winning??? Who ran over Stone Cold??? It's not a battle it's a sissy boi slap fight.

18th. Paderborn. They've been promoted, and will be subsequently demoted, they've been the worst team in the league (by a margin as narrow as Bosingwas brow) and should resume regular service in the fiery pits of hell come seasons end.
17th. (REDACTED). Nothing to see here.
16th. Dusseldorf. Honestly oh fortuna have probably been less shit than a couple of teams above them, but they're naive and can't hold leads. Like a 3 year old walking a pitbull. 
15th. Mainz. Possibly the worst team in the league, but Quaison has pulled them kicking and screaming through another season unscathed THUS FAR. Fortuna and (REDACTED) are coming for you fools.
14th Eintracht Frankfurt. "Too many Erkels on your team that's why your wins low" Kanye West.
13th Augsburg. When relegation is the subject Augsburg will always be on the tip of the tongue. They do have a knack for escaping though. Like a corona virus patient escaping from their house to visit friends, nursing homes and Peru.

A quick note. The frantic fixture list will favor teams who have higher fitness levels, and less traveling to do. Someone get Felix Magath on the phone. His time has come.

Frankfurt vs Freiburg. Frankfurt could likely avoid relegation with just 2 wins. This is a good opportunity to create some breathing room.
(Redacted) vs Monchengladbach There's nothing interesting about this fixture. Weird. 
Augsburg vs Paderborn. Not quite a 6 pointer but both teams will view this as a huge opportunity for points. Likely outcome? An unsatisfying draw. "It's like finger boning your step sister" Martin Tyler. 
Union Berlin vs Mainz. Union will see this as a great opportunity to climb the ladder at the expense of a demoralized Mainz.
Dusseldorf vs Schalke. 2 teams who can't win. Another draw on the cards? "It's like watching porn with your sister" Martin Tyler. 

"And so on we may march, through these turbulent pangolins. 
Bats in the sky, herald the end times
A violent thunder, like the crashing of a hundred economies 
Such a stir has never before been fried"

Phing Phong Dick-Willie. Ancient Chinese poet. 
 

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7 hours ago, nudge said:

That was absolutely worth the wait.

Agreed. 

Inspired poetry at the end but I knew he couldn't count... 

7 hours ago, Devil-Dick Willie said:

18th. Paderborn. They've been promoted, and will be subsequently demoted, they've been the worst team in the league (by a margin as narrow as Bosingwas brow) and should resume regular service in the fiery pits of hell come seasons end.
17th. (REDACTED). Nothing to see here.
 16th. Dusseldorf. Honestly oh fortuna have probably been less shit than a couple of teams above them, but they're naive and can't hold leads. Like a 3 year old walking a pitbull. 
15th. Mainz. Possibly the worst team in the league, but Quaison has pulled them kicking and screaming through another season unscathed THUS FAR. Fortuna and (REDACTED) are coming for you fools.
14th Eintracht Frankfurt. "Too many Erkels on your team that's why your wins low" Kanye West.
15th Augsburg. When relegation is the subject Augsburg will always be on the tip of the tongue. They do have a knack for escaping though. Like a corona virus patient escaping from their house to visit friends, nursing homes and Peru.

 

 

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$5 on an injured Alexander Meier coming out of the stands on the 92th minute of the last game of the season to score a hattrick and save Frankfurt from relegation, sending Werder Bremen into annihilation and Devil Dick into the arms of the first slam pig he sees post-quarantine. 

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What a round of shithouse action!!!!
Bayern won a shit game to win the shit Bundesliga for the shit time in a row

And as for our heroes at the bottom....

In Gladbach vs (REDACTED) nothing happened. Told you
Augsburg vs Paderborn....Nothing happened
Union vs Mainz.... Nothing hap well actually they each scored and shared the points.
Frankfurter and Frieburg also shared the spoils in a 3-3 draw.
Fortuna beat Schalke!!! Making Schalke the official worst team in the league!! Fortuna have landed the first slap. 
How can she slap?

As for the rest of the games. "It's like putting peanut butter on your balls and feeding your sisters dog" Martin Tyler. 
The table as it stands

18th Paderborn 19pts
17th (REDACTED) 22pts
16th Dusseldorf 27pts
15th Mainz 28pts
14th Eintracht Frankfurt 29pts

Bonus round. We're going to imagine Schalke have 30 points. Would they get relegated from this position?
Schalke. 30pts Form. LLLDLLLDD
Next weeked...

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What a weekend of action!!!!

Mainz, Dusseldorf, Schalke and Augsburg lose,  because they suck!!! 10 man Frankfurt win!!!!

And as for (REDACTED)....
Morpheus Believe GIF - Morpheus Believe Neo - Discover & Share GIFs

Welcome to the hot seat Union Berlin!!! Quick run down on them. They suck, but their defense is better than most of the league tbh. 

The table as it stands.

18th Paderborn 19pts (game in hand vs Dortmund)
17th (REDACTED) 25pts
16th Fortunefinding Dusseldwarf 27pts
15th Mainz 28pts 
14th Augsburg 31pts
13th Union Berlin 31pts (game in hand vs Monchengladbach)
Experiment Schalke. 14th 30pts. Form LLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

No draws this week. Martin Tylers sister is safe. 


Next week....

Union play Monchengladbach, AND Schalke. Sadly not at the same time though. 
Paderborn will lay down vs Dortmund, and with the energy conserved, go on to lay down vs Leipzig
Eintracht Frankfurt have a game. Then they also play Mainz on Sunday. 
Dusseldorf host the HOFF. 
Also Wolfsburg are gettin around on Sunday. Where to? No one knows. Possibly Bielefeld.

 

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I've got to say that I believe that Werder will avoid the drop. Bremen have got some of their key players back, they are starting to play well as a team, they also have a game in hand and they have arguably an easier remaining run of games in their fixture list, compared to most of the other sides trying to avoid relegation. 

Paderborn are all but officially relegated in my view. I personally think they will be joined by either Fortuna Dusseldorf or Mainz.

Here is the list of remaining fixtures for the teams who have a realistic chance of getting automatically relegated:

*I didn't include Paderborn because with 19 points at this stage, they are screwed, plus they have at least 2 or 3 very hard fixtures remaining. I also didn't include Frankfurt because the club are on 32 points, the team have a game in hand and all their remaining matches are winnable. 

(Currently on 25 points)                (Currently on 27 points)                      (Currently on 28 points)        (Currently on 31 points)           (Currently on 31 points)

Werder Bremen:                             Fortuna Dusseldorf:                              FSV Mainz:                              Union Berlin:                              FC Augsburg:         

Frankfurt (H)                                    Hoffenheim (H)                                     Frankfurt (A)                             Schalke (H)                                Koln (H)

Wolfsburg (H)                                  Dortmund (H)                                        Augsburg (H)                            Koln (A)                                       Mainz (A)

Paderborn (A)                                  RB Leipzig (A)                                        Dortmund (A)                           Paderborn (H)                            Hoffenheim (H)

Bayern Munich (H)                          Augsburg (H)                                         Werder Bremen (H)                 Hoffenheim (A)                          Fortuna Dusseldorf (A)

Mainz (A)                                          Union Berlin (A)                                     Leverkusen (A)                        Fortuna Dusseldorf (H)             RB Leipzig (H)

Koln (H)

 

Werder Bremen: You'd have to think that Werder will beat Paderborn on their current form. Werder will inevitably lose to Bayern, but all their other remaining fixtures are potentially winnable.

Fortuna Dusseldorf: Fortuna will no doubt lose to Dortmund and Leipzig, which makes the Augsburg and Union Berlin fixtures must win games and Fortuna are very capable of getting 6 points in these 2 fixtures. But I think this makes the Hoffenheim match potentially critical. However, Hoffenheim are starting to play well, plus they are stronger than Augsburg and Union, but Fortuna could still potentially get points off of them. 

FSV Mainz: Mainz also have 2 fixtures which they are bound to lose, namely against Dortmund and Leverkusen. That means their other remaining 3 fixtures will be do or die battles.

Union Berlin: Union's remaining 5 matches are all potentially winnable, for this reason and because of their current points tally, I doubt they will get relegated.

FC Augsburg: Heiko Herrlich's team don't realistically have a chance in their final fixture against RB Leipzig. Nevertheless, this inevitably means that they will try their hardest to get as many points as possible from their other remaining 4 fixtures, where points will be in theory easier to come by, compared to against the Red Bull club.

If I have to stick my neck out and give a verdict on which two teams I believe will be automatically relegated from the Bundesliga, then I would have to say Paderborn and probably Fortuna Dusseldorf(sorry Tommy).

 

 

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2 hours ago, Devil-Dick Willie said:

Bremen vs Mainz could very easily end up being winner takes all

If that does end up being the case, then that will be one hell of a match to watch. We will get to see what each team is really made of when the chips are down.

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On 28/05/2020 at 00:30, Devil-Dick Willie said:

What a round of shithouse action!!!!
Bayern won a shit game to win the shit Bundesliga for the shit time in a row

And as for our heroes at the bottom....

In Gladbach vs (REDACTED) nothing happened. Told you
Augsburg vs Paderborn....Nothing happened
Union vs Mainz.... Nothing hap well actually they each scored and shared the points.
Frankfurter and Frieburg also shared the spoils in a 3-3 draw.
Fortuna beat Schalke!!! Making Schalke the official worst team in the league!! Fortuna have landed the first slap. 
How can she slap?

As for the rest of the games. "It's like putting peanut butter on your balls and feeding your sisters dog" Martin Tyler. 
The table as it stands

18th Paderborn 19pts
17th (REDACTED) 22pts
16th Dusseldorf 27pts
15th Mainz 28pts
14th Eintracht Frankfurt 29pts

Bonus round. We're going to imagine Schalke have 30 points. Would they get relegated from this position?
Schalke. 30pts Form. LLLDLLLDD
Next weeked...

How can she slap?

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So how was the week that was? I found it almost as depressing as coronavirus and a can of pepper spray to the face of a woman in crutches combined. 

Paderborn picked up 1 point from their 2 games, conceding 6 to Dortmund but showing spirit against RB. However, Paderborn are done and dusted realistically, 8pts adrift with 4 games to go."It's like getting the worlds saddest handjob from your sister" Martin Tyler. 
REDACTED. This information has been classified by the CIA. Return to your homes rioters. 
Union dropped the easiest 3pts in the league, collecting a draw against Schalke and a hammering from Gladbach, however they remain out of striking distance from Doodledwarf. "Its like getting smacked on your ass by your sister" Martin Tyler 
MAINZ WON!!!!!!! Oh lordy lord. No wonder theres rioting across the streets of America. This keeps them above Doofenschmirtz evil INC for another week.
Augusburg were held to a draw by Koln. "It's like getting held by the pee pee by your sister" Martin Tyler

This means the table looks like DIS!!!!

18th Paderborn 20pts
17th (REDACTED) 25pts
16th Fortunefinding Dusseldwarf 28pts
15th Mainz 31pts
14th Union Berlin 32pts
13th Augsburg 32pts 
Experiment Schalke. 14th 31pts

This week, on report of the week 
Dortmund vs Dusseldorf in a Tsubasa vs Tommy gloryhunter ITOLDYOUSOIN2012 extravaganza. 
Union vs Koln in what might be the worst game in history 
Mainz vs Augsburg. Spoke too soon. 
Schalke free fall vs Neverkusen
As for Paderborn.....
Pepper spray directly on the eyes is not a good idea... - GIFs - Imgur

back the fuck up scum. 

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