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The Joke Thread

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We might already have one, but no idea how far back it is.

Here goes a few of mine.

Why is the UK scared of the Arctic?

Because Arctic folk eat Wales.

Why does Joachim Low pick his nose?

Because he manages GERMany.

What did the Elephant say to the other?

I forgot.

What did a traveler say to his friends after returning from the Andes?

It was quite Chile, but it was an Unboliviable trip. I'll Peru-ve it to you.

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I went to the zoo yesterday. The only animal they had was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

  • Haha 1

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Was cooking dinner last night. Recipe said to ensure the oven was set at 180 degrees.

Did that.

Now it's facing the wall and I can't open the door. 

 

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Have you seen American History X? I want to watch it, but I haven't seen the first nine yet.

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Doorbell rang last night and I got up to answer it. The mother-in-law was standing there.
She asked, with a tear in her eye, 'Can I stay here for a few days please?'
I said 'what do you think I am?! A heartless bastard?! Of course!'

So I shut the door and went to bed.

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Why are hurricanes mostly named after women? 

Because when they show up are the wet and wild, then once they leave they take your house and car.

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

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