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Official Farmers League Relegation Thread


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They say you can't kid a kidder. Yet it seems you can farm a farmer.
As we all know the Bundesliga is no better than the Mexican 2nd division, or even worse, Serie A, and yet what goes up must come down. Amongst this pile of dogshit and talentless hacks, there must be 3 worst of the worst teams. The gigafarmers. Teams that wouldn't even beat Sherriff Moldova, Dynamo Bucharest or Napoli. 

Lets look at our contenders and pretenders this season. 


13th. 23pts. Augsburg.
Another season, another "we're not quite gonna get relegated, but we're still pretty shit" year from the true farmers of the league. Mainstays for almost a decade now, to their credit. But As per usual they're not awful enough to die, but not spritely enough to truly live. No way they go down IMO, but every team with "teen" next to their league position is a contender at this early stage. Every team with "teen" is also in danger from Kevin Spacey, or, if they've lived the suite life in the Carribean recently, a suicide courtesy of the Clintons.

Chance of survival? About as good as farmer Bayern winning the CL this season, so pretty good. 

14th. 21pts. Koln. 
Team of champions, lovely blokes every one of them. Hope they stay up! I'd happily give them the 3 pts to do so!

Chance of survival? Thoughts and prayers shall save them

15th. 18pts. Hertha. 
Oh dear. Not being the only team in the village seems to have upset the Feng Shui of these mediocre giants. A piss poor effort given their resources and they find themselves very much in striking range of danger. 

Chance of survival? The same chance Juventus or Milan have of winning the CL this decade. Not great. 

16th. 18pts. Nowhere
WTF? 

17th. 17pts. Mainz
Ahhhhh Mainz. They think they're so good. Were initially doomed at the bottom. stuck with Schalke, but the reds have found a fight and fury that reminds me of Bremen last season. They'll not go quietly into the void that's for damn sure!
Chance of survival? Same as a 12 year old at a party with Kevin Spacey, not impossible but they need to get out of there stat! 


18th 9pts. Schalke. 
Surely. Surelyyyyyyyyyyyy. Farking surely. 

Chance of survival? Same as the chance Serie A is better than the Bundesliga. None at all. 

This week!

Bayern will revenge porn Koln for the sins of Frankfurt. 
Stuttgart will DO THEIR DUTY against Schalke
Wolfsburg are circling a wounded Hertha.
Mainz take on dross old Augsburg in the kind of game they need results from to survive.
Dortmund... Where did they go? Can't seem to find them on the mini map. 

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Oh my lord was I correct when I said a goat would suffer for the sins of a hotdog. Someone call PETA because Bayern were in a violating mood. 5-1 over the Billy goats. 
Stuttgart saw Bayerns effort and said to themselves.... "Well, Mario Gomez used to play for us too." Then they pulled out their pork sword and spitroast Schalke 5-1. How do you tell if a team has stopped playing for the manager and given up all hope? They leave the same player unmarked at the back post several times a game. 
The Wolves picked up a regulation 2-0 over beta Berlin
Augsburg won a clutch game for both clubs against Mainz. Mainz stay in trouble, Augsburg do their regular trick of kicking away from trouble. 
I swear to god, if the relegation zone is a toilet, and the teams in it are shitty toilet water, Augsburg is hydrocarbon. Looks just the same but floats on the surface, careless and free. 
Apparently Dortmund picked up 3 points? But they didn't play a game? There needs to be an investigation as this reeks of DFB interference trying to get the golden boys into the champions league spots. 

Next matchday

Schalke vs Mainz! The dogshit and catshit go head to head! If Mainz win, they'll likely leapfrog some teams and escape animal farm. If Schalke win, all 3 of their fans will be in raptures. 
Hertha vs Augsburg. Realistically Augsburg have probably done enough to stay up, barring a winless run that goes the rest of the season, but as Schalke have shown in the past, if you believe enough, anything is possible. 
Koln travel to Bremen. Look, guys. What you did last season was great and all, but that's all in the past, we gotta move on with our lives ya know. I'm sure they'll understand. 
Union Berlin. I don't know why I said that. They're not in the danger zone? Odd. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

What happened? Where are we? Why does my butt hurt? All this and more in this weeks...

WHY ARE SCHALKE SO DAMN SHIT RELEGATION THREAD!!! 

What happened? 
Mainz and Schalke had the most predictable 0-0 of the season. No one threatened anyone, and it was said there was a gentleman's agreement for neither to embarrass the other... Didn't work

Hertha beat Augsburg!!! There's life in the cuck side of Berlin yet! The boys in blue bashed the brown boys....Ummmmm
Police Brutality GIF by South Park - Find & Share on GIPHY


Koln traveled to Bremen. But Bremen somehow got 4 points? Would have gotten 6 too if all of a sudden the rules hadn't taken a wacky turn from "Goalkeepers are more protected than a white rhino in fort Knox" to "Fuck it, just grab his arm bro" Good for Bremen. Bad for Koln. Worse for imagination land
 

Union Berlin picked up a point somewhere. Probably in Bonn. 

Where are we? 
 

13th. 26pts. Augsburg.
14th. 22pts. Koln. 
15th. 21pts. Hertha. 
16th. 19pts. Juventus, it's about their level. 
17th. 18pts. Mainz
18th 10pts. Schalke. 

Why does my Butt hurt? 


IDK you'll have to ask him
Hans Jörg Butt - Player profile | Transfermarkt

Who plays who next?

Augsburg play Gladbach! Gladbach need the points if they wanna keep their manager. Augsburg are in the DANGER ZONE

Wolfsburg vs Schalke. Lucky them

Union Vs Koln. Will Union stand up for their crippled, Phil's bald head and possibly racist abusive cousins? Or will the cathedral city use the power of god to strike them down? 

Mainz vs Frieburg. Petition for Freiburg to play in their own fucking league for once, Ligue 1. Unless of course they're lower in the table than Bremen at any given time in which case they can stay, we need all the meat shields we can get.

Dortmund vs Hertha. Dortmund GOTTA pick up points here if they want in next years CL. However, now that we know they can beat Sevilla, they may just decide a Europa league run is in order...

Neverkusen take on...Arminia? As in the country? Or Arminia Achen? Leverkusen are probably capable of beating either, I'm sure it's no matter.

Remember kids. Wash under the ball sack. 
 

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  • 2 weeks later...

WE HAVE LIVE FOOTAGE OF SCHALKE SUPERSTAR WESTON MCKENNIE ARRIVING AT TRAINING!!!
Farming GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

 

How was our matchday for our proud turnip pluckers? 

Schalke lost 3-0 to Monchengladbach. A physics lesson as to what happens when an unstoppable object meets an immovable force. One of those things turns out to be a fraud. In this case, Monchengladbach THOUGHT they were shite, but Schalke showed them how it was done!

Koln nicked a point off Dortmund, or more precisely, Dortmund nicked a point off Koln! There's life in the cathedral city. 
Footage of @Tommy celebrating Kolns well deserved point! 
Schalke GIF by 1. FC Köln - Find & Share on GIPHY

I hear Red Bull beat Arminia. But Achen aren't in the Bundesliga (nor should they be, fucking Belgians) very odd situation and I think it warrants an investigation. 

MAINZ BEAT THE HOFF!!! Is there life on Mainz? Out of the drop zone they climb!

Hertha thumped Neverkusen 3-0. The eternal gift that keeps on giving

How does this make our table look? 

Schalke are GOOOOOOOOONE
404 city not fouuuuuuuund
CHURCHES
Mainz!
First, we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin 
Augsburg!

Who plays next weekend??

Leverkusen pick a much needed boost as they have Schalke on the menu! 
MAINZ vs SOMEWHERE!!! Very important match! Relegation 6 pointer for Mainz against Bonnfield? Braunfield? 
Wolfsburg take on the billies. Tommy has reportedly put his house and cigarettes on a goat victory!
Augsburg vs the Hoff
David Hasselhoff gave the loudest, longest 'War Eagle' you'll hear today -  al.com

Hertha vs the european union. Seems unfair. 

See you on the flip flop. Except Schalke. No ones gonna see them again and it feels so weird but so good xD


 

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Mainz only got 7 points in the first half of the season, and now they've added 17 more so far in the 2nd half. They're 5th in the table if you only take the 2nd half of the season into account. Bringing Bo Svensson in surely had an effect. 

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I did a Bundesliga table predictor. Tommy will be happy.

Schalke to go down, with Koln in the automatics. Nowhere land in the playoff on goal difference. 
A huge factor however, is that Mainz have an utterly impossible run in. Bayern, Frankfurt, Dortmund and Wolfsburg are their last 4 matches. My predictor had Koln on 30 pts going down, with Mainz on 31 in 15th! It's gonna be a close one down there. 

I had Bayern winning by 4 pts. Frankfurt holding off a charge from Dortmund and Leverkusen to hold their spot in 4th. But I genuinely hope Dortmund bridge it and sneak in.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This week, on turnip wars!

Schalke showed much more spirit than you might expect to a reinvigorated neverkusen. Only losing 2-1. I kinda wanna give them 3pts for effort, but sadly, the DFB have announced that only Bayern Munich get free wins. :(

Apparently free draws however are good to go as Mainz got a point from nothing and nowhere! You might say I'm running this joke into the ground but for a place to have ground it has to exist. Take that sheeple

Would you look at that, the big bad wolf ate the goat. How very meta. Maybe I'll have Wolfsburg as special guest in next Werewolf game I host. 

Augsburg beat the hoff!!!! The brown will not go down!!! 

Hertha and their little sister had a draw. It's literally like kissing your sister. It's no foul til you grab a tiddy. 

How does the pits of the potato farm look now? 

Schalke are worth 1 Juventus. AKA. Nothing-10pts

Koln bleat on, 23pts Probably would still beat either Milan club though. 
Mainz have struggled clear, and are starting to believe! 25pts Easily the best red team in Italy. 
Hertha are also on 25pts and will be watching the ground beneath them closely... Tasmania are calling....
Bremen are BACK BABY!!!! 30pts but with a bitch of a run in, and a head to head clash with Mainz that could relegate either side. Fuck me it was almost like we were a midtable team for a second there. 

Whos on the menu next week for the weak? 
Frieburg 
Werder start their engines against a can of soda. Hopefully a demoralized can of soda. 
Hertha vs Munchiesgasbag. New manager, new dreams for Muwbidbiehdegladbak, Hertha need to fight the power. 
Schalke line up against Augsburg. Augsburg will be confident knowing a win means no relegation this season. 
FUCKING THIS IS WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT BOYSSSSSS!!! Mainz VS Koln in a relegation 6000000000 pointer! Goats vs.... whatever Mainz represent ( other than mediocrity) Winner takes all the taters 
potato Farm | Vegetable harvest, Potato farmers, Growing gardens

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