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Dating, Relationships and Marriage Thread


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2 hours ago, Eco said:

Yeah, so I officially moved in to the guest bedroom. I'm getting all my financials in a row in case divorce is the option. At the moment she seems content because I signed up for therapy, but I'm not sure how long that'll last or if I even want that. 

If I had to put a number on it, I'd say their is a 95% chance divorce is the answer, but I'm not yet at 100% because I'm too stubborn and we have a child to consider. 

I went through a similar but totally different patch about 3 years ago mate. It seemed to be on a path towards divorce and to me that was an unthinkable scenario. In my case it really took a circuit breaker event to snap my wife out of the mental space she was in and come back to the table with an open mind, actually being willing to see things from my perspective. That event was family finding out and that just made the future state visualisation of post divorce life seem a lot more real. Prior to that point we were talking but you could just tell she was only processing her own perspective and therefore it was moot.

In the end we did have a convo about feedback about what drove us both to this point, and there were some non negotiables and some negotiable changes we each made.

Once things were better between us I realised some of the things that had really bothered me actually didn't bother me much once we were back on the same page, close and really communicating again, and things were good between us.

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6 minutes ago, Eco said:

but my wife of 9 years thinks I lied to her about my personality to 'trick' her into marriage?

 

2 minutes ago, Eco said:

Yes. Her exact words last night was that I needed to go to therapy to learn how to 'change'. 

You are who you are mate, shouldn't be trying to change yourself personality wise to suit other people that's just a one way street to misery in my opinion and although I really do hate to over involve myself in other peoples private business this sounds like it's doomed to failure.. It would be understandable if you were a drunk, or took drugs etc then fine, making an effort to change serious bad habits are par for the course in any decent relationship but not your natural personality, fuck that!! love me for who I am or take a hike... Sounds to me as though she is trying to find any and all reasons to end it mate.. If you hold on trying to convince yourself there may be a small chance it could all work out I just foresee more misery and unhappiness for you in the long run... 

I appreciate you have a lot of other considerations but you might just be better off biting the bullet and calling it a day rather than being constantly forced into a corner... 

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1 minute ago, nudge said:

Yeah; it sounds like she's not in a very good place herself... 

No, but I can't tell her that, and she won't know with her happy pills and God on her side. 

Just now, Bluewolf said:

 

You are who you are mate, shouldn't be trying to change yourself personality wise to suit other people that's just a one way street to misery in my opinion and although I really do hate to over involve myself in other peoples private business this sounds like it's doomed to failure.. It would be understandable if you were a drunk, or took drugs etc then fine, making an effort to change serious bad habits are par for the course in any decent relationship but not your natural personality, fuck that!! love me for who I am or take a hike... Sounds to me as though she is trying to find any and all reasons to end it mate.. If you hold on trying to convince yourself there may be a small chance it could all work out I just foresee more misery and unhappiness for you in the long run... 

I appreciate you have a lot of other considerations but you might just be better off biting the bullet and calling it a day rather than being constantly forced into a corner... 

Thanks, and I mostly agree. 

I  am trying to be very calm each time we talk, but when she said she was annoyed that I read at night, it took everything in me not to say, 'What? While you are watching Keeping up with Kardashians and talking to me like it matters?" 

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51 minutes ago, Eco said:

I'll add this. Today was my first therapy session, and it went alright. I basically told her my life story using only the 'major' events. Afterwards and describing my wife and myself, she replied with, 'Wow, it sounds like you and your wife are struggling with the fact that she seems to be an extrovert and you are an introvert." 

No shit Sherlock...so why can she see this in an hour, but my wife of 9 years thinks I lied to her about my personality to 'trick' her into marriage? Unfucking real. I told my wife that I think we need to learn more about the other's personality, and she replied with some comment along the lines of, "Lucas, I have a degree in psychology, I don't need to read about introverts, I know introverts." :|

That last bit sounds very condescending and arrogant.

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27 minutes ago, Eco said:

I  am trying to be very calm each time we talk, but when she said she was annoyed that I read at night, it took everything in me not to say, 'What? While you are watching Keeping up with Kardashians and talking to me like it matters?" 

I don't want to be rude but she sounds very messed up and controlling. Dare I say coercive as well. Making you feel like shit and 'forcing' you to change your personality to suit her.

I'm glad you seem aware - some people don't especially with how invested they can be in relationships and they seem blind to it. You're on the ball. It can be quite damaging to a person when they're not aware and it gets worse and worse then they find out almost too late.

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13 hours ago, Eco said:

Oh, and 2 months ago she got into weed again, and she's smoking it like it's her last days on Earth. 

Goes against her god finding. 

I think she needs support and therapy. Hope things work out for you- however you want them to be. 

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2 minutes ago, Eco said:

I thought you'd like someone who'd care for someone other than herself...xD

Yeah I mean in an ideal world, but I’ll take what I can get at this point xD

In all seriousness sounds pretty horrible for you but you seem to be handling it with a lot of dignity and good grace. I think you need to put yourself (and your child) first in all this now though

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Just now, Storts said:

Yeah I mean in an ideal world, but I’ll take what I can get at this point xD

In all seriousness sounds pretty horrible for you but you seem to be handling it with a lot of dignity and good grace. I think you need to put yourself (and your child) first in all this now though

Cheers man. 

My personality is one that I hate to lose and admit failure. I rarely back down from a fight, and this is what this has become. A battle between her roller coaster emotions and my inability to give up and throw in the towel. 

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26 minutes ago, Storts said:

Send her my way mate, could do with the company 

xD even though you're feeling down right now... you've still got it in you to post things that actually make me literally lol

 

18 minutes ago, Eco said:

Cheers man. 

My personality is one that I hate to lose and admit failure. I rarely back down from a fight, and this is what this has become. A battle between her roller coaster emotions and my inability to give up and throw in the towel. 

Maybe you need to alter your perspective on what the "fight" here is - and rather see your wife as the enemy see the part of you that doesn't want to walk away from a relationship where you really don't seem happy with things as the enemy. More of an internal fight, rather than an external one with a part of your wife, if that makes sense? Although tbh, I'm a bit hesitant to tell someone over the internet to end their marriage - sometimes emotions run high and people's minds can change overnight... it does seem like you're being really level headed about everything happening in your relationship - so I doubt anything I say will influence you more than anything you'll influence yourself.

But you deserve to be happy, so just make sure whatever happens you put yourself on that path that's going to get you feeling happier with your live overall (easier said than done, I know).

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1 hour ago, Dr. Gonzo said:

Maybe you need to alter your perspective on what the "fight" here is - and rather see your wife as the enemy see the part of you that doesn't want to walk away from a relationship where you really don't seem happy with things as the enemy. More of an internal fight, rather than an external one with a part of your wife, if that makes sense? Although tbh, I'm a bit hesitant to tell someone over the internet to end their marriage - sometimes emotions run high and people's minds can change overnight... it does seem like you're being really level headed about everything happening in your relationship - so I doubt anything I say will influence you more than anything you'll influence yourself.

But you deserve to be happy, so just make sure whatever happens you put yourself on that path that's going to get you feeling happier with your live overall (easier said than done, I know).

Yeah, I don't really lose my cool that often anyways, and I always try to keep a control on my emotions. 

I'm still not sure what the answer is, but since we have had a few cordial conversations and as long as we are fighting, then I'm willing to just 'ride' this out for the time being. 

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On 24/02/2020 at 20:45, Storts said:

Wish I was as positive now as I was then, and this is probably the wrong thread for this, but my anxiety has developed into depression, and I'm really struggling. Today has been the lowest day I've ever had. No routine, no purpose, it's really hard. Still not working, but can't even motivate myself or concentrate long enough to even apply. Confidence completely shot, personally and professionally. Need to start making little changes I think, can only do this myself, and reach a real emotional low today that it's all I can do.

Fucking hell. Awful to hear that. Sorry to hear it. If it's any consolation then I can't see it getting worse and you'll only pick up.

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On 25/02/2020 at 20:49, Eco said:

I'll add this. Today was my first therapy session, and it went alright. I basically told her my life story using only the 'major' events. Afterwards and describing my wife and myself, she replied with, 'Wow, it sounds like you and your wife are struggling with the fact that she seems to be an extrovert and you are an introvert." 

No shit Sherlock...so why can she see this in an hour, but my wife of 9 years thinks I lied to her about my personality to 'trick' her into marriage? Unfucking real. I told my wife that I think we need to learn more about the other's personality, and she replied with some comment along the lines of, "Lucas, I have a degree in psychology, I don't need to read about introverts, I know introverts." :|

She sounds incredibly insecure.

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On 25/02/2020 at 20:53, Eco said:

Yes. Her exact words last night was that I needed to go to therapy to learn how to 'change'. 

And again.

Sounds utterly childish and that's from somebody without a tonne of relationship experience.

Appreciate it's very tricky when she is your wife, and mother of your child, but crikey.

Oh and by the way I think drug usage is mental. There's doing it occasionally which I think isn't a big problem (though it's never appealed to me) but becoming dependant on it is a huge slippery slope. Really do cringe at how many people my age think it's a personality trait. Congratulations to you that you have to fuck your mood up to fit in. No thanks. The whole thing's just a massive slippery slope, cannot word a single good thing about it me. Never tried it and never intend to.

Sorry, this post is all over the place and I've edited it about five times because I keep reading more. She sounds like trouble and you know it. Must be quite sickening to accept this. I don't like the attitude of her trying to force you to change how you are - why did she marry you in which case?

I'm glad you can see through a lot of it. That girl I was on about on the last page has routinely tried to legitimise absolute nonsense behaviour she's on the end of from her ex/bf/whatever it is and I just think one day the penny will drop - I just hope to god she sees through it before it's too late.

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1 hour ago, Dan said:

And again.

Sounds utterly childish and that's from somebody without a tonne of relationship experience.

Appreciate it's very tricky when she is your wife, and mother of your child, but crikey.

Oh and by the way I think drug usage is mental. There's doing it occasionally which I think isn't a big problem (though it's never appealed to me) but becoming dependant on it is a huge slippery slope. Really do cringe at how many people my age think it's a personality trait. Congratulations to you that you have to fuck your mood up to fit in. No thanks. The whole thing's just a massive slippery slope, cannot word a single good thing about it me. Never tried it and never intend to.

Sorry, this post is all over the place and I've edited it about five times because I keep reading more. She sounds like trouble and you know it. Must be quite sickening to accept this. I don't like the attitude of her trying to force you to change how you are - why did she marry you in which case?

I'm glad you can see through a lot of it. That girl I was on about on the last page has routinely tried to legitimise absolute nonsense behaviour she's on the end of from her ex/bf/whatever it is and I just think one day the penny will drop - I just hope to god she sees through it before it's too late.

And while everything I said is 100% accurate, she is obviously have her ways as we've been together for almost a decade. I am in a  head space where I just am non-emotional about it. I am at the point where I would certainly love to be divorced and have custody of my daughter,  but I also can't give up on my wife..yet. 

She has a very troubled past that I didn't think truly effected her, but having a child and getting older has caused her issues to become more apparent. She has some other personal family drama with her Dad that has made our situation even more strenuous, and I think that I would feel like a absolute ass hole if I left the mother of my child alone at this time with all the things she has going on. 

I'm trying to talk her into going into therapy and couples therapy, so we will see where it goes. 

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I'm sorry to hear it hasn't worked out with a different outcome mate. I was rooting for you guys to find a way through and back onto the same page, but it sounds like you tried extensively to do that, and it wasn't to be.

Impressed with your level headed approach throughout. I hope it continues to be an amicable process that leads to good long term relations between you for the benefit of your little one.

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7 hours ago, Eco said:

Okay- so tonight it was decided that we are splitting up. Take turns with our child, and then next week I will likely be moving out.

Sorry to hear it! It sounds like a very adult and sensible approach and the fact you've both considered the child is great. I hope everything begins to look up for you.

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9 hours ago, Eco said:

Okay- so tonight it was decided that we are splitting up. Take turns with our child, and then next week I will likely be moving out.

Sorry to hear that buddy, you are now on the same road as our son & daughter in regards to seeing your child after splitting up with their respective partners, me and the wife told them both to be strong for the sake of yourselves and the kids and they have and share custody of the grandsons, that's the daughter just arrived with wee Kaiden and they were both smiling, nice to see.

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