Dating, Relationships and Marriage Thread

[DeadLinesman]

27 minutes ago, Eco said:

Yeah, so we will see what happens. Kills to think of leaving my daughter and moving out, but thrills me to bits to think of leaving my wife and allowing me to live in a stress free, clean, house. 

The first bit will always tear at you because as a parent, you want to see your kids 24/7. If you’re genuinely thrilled at the thought of leaving the Mrs though, that doesn’t sound too good. You only get one shot at life and you need to be happy. Is there any reason you wouldn’t get joint custody?

[Eco]

1 minute ago, DeadLinesman said:

The first bit will always tear at you because as a parent, you want to see your kids 24/7. If you’re genuinely thrilled at the thought of leaving the Mrs though, that doesn’t sound too good. You only get one shot at life and you need to be happy. Is there any reason you wouldn’t get joint custody?

No. In fact, if it got nasty, I could easily get full custody, but I don't want to fight. 

I don't know much about custody TBH, when my parents divorced, I went to my Dad's every other weekend. 

[DeadLinesman]

Just now, Eco said:

No. In fact, if it got nasty, I could easily get full custody, but I don't want to fight. 

I don't know much about custody TBH, when my parents divorced, I went to my Dad's every other weekend. 

As soon as you’ve made any decision for yourself, lawyer up mate.

[Mel81x+]

Phew what a slew of good things and bad in here.

Congrats @Stan

Congrats @DeadLinesman

And sorry to hear about things @Eco hope things look up for you soon.

[Dan+]

15 hours ago, Harry said:

What's the situation mate? Do you have a good relationship with the person? Is it flirtatious? Any signs of reciprocity?

Very good but she's a bit close to an ex so it's just dodgy ground really, but I speak to her pretty much all the time at work (we're on some instant messenger system and I can't lie my work's a doddle a lot of the time) and I don't know, at times it just feels a bit more than friends. I've always been mates with her ever since she started there. They run this scheme every year now where they take on new apprentices and run a course alongside work and I joined the course as they opened it up to permanent staff as well and me and her were just close on it really, although she was with said ex at the time so I thought it was a no go back then - was only once she was properly single (so I thought) I started to think this is getting a bit beyond friends now. We'd never really spoken directly about it but you know when it just seems a bit like... more.

Sure enough though they're back together so for now nothing will happen - but they will split again and I'm sure of it, very fractured relationship and it makes absolutely no sense for her to stick with it, but she'll find out the hard way. He's a dickhead though and I'm not just saying that through bias either - I've had this said to me by someone close to both.

It's just one of those kind of like... in the background if you like, but I was a bit sick when she got back with him put it that way, but we're still good friends and there are times I feel like it's going to end up being a bit more one day, suppose it's just biding my time I guess.

Intrigued to know what you say here @DeadLinesman but I noticed a point you made on the previous page about relationships being 'imperfect' - I agree there's no such thing as the perfect relationship and it's pie in the sky to think it is, but I'd be intrigued to know how bad is 'imperfect'? Like what degree of issue are we talking here? Because to me this girl and her lad are very much 'imperfect' but they're well beyond that. Is talking to each other like shit, always arguing, upsetting each other imperfect? Or nearer 'insanity' (to be in this relationship) because thinking the latter. They're no good for each other and she deep down knows it, she just can't let it go, but one day she will. She's a bit younger than me so I think she'll learn.

Suppose the case really is just will I still be arsed by the time that comes around. Who knows.

Thing with me is I don't really go looking for relationships as such - I don't really force it, it just falls a bit into place. I don't feel like "right, I need a girlfriend now" I just have certain girls historically who I've naturally ended up liking. I don't think it's any good to force it but that's just my own instinct.

[Dan+]

PS sorry if that's a load of old rabble I can witter on when it comes to this kind of thing without even realising it.

[DeadLinesman]

4 hours ago, Dan said:

Intrigued to know what you say here @DeadLinesman but I noticed a point you made on the previous page about relationships being 'imperfect' - I agree there's no such thing as the perfect relationship and it's pie in the sky to think it is, but I'd be intrigued to know how bad is 'imperfect'? Like what degree of issue are we talking here? Because to me this girl and her lad are very much 'imperfect' but they're well beyond that. Is talking to each other like shit, always arguing, upsetting each other imperfect? Or nearer 'insanity' (to be in this relationship) because thinking the latter. They're no good for each other and she deep down knows it, she just can't let it go, but one day she will. She's a bit younger than me so I think she'll learn.

Suppose the case really is just will I still be arsed by the time that comes around. Who knows.

Thing with me is I don't really go looking for relationships as such - I don't really force it, it just falls a bit into place. I don't feel like "right, I need a girlfriend now" I just have certain girls historically who I've naturally ended up liking. I don't think it's any good to force it but that's just my own instinct.

Everybody’s different mate. Me and the wife usually have a massive Barney every month or two, little arguments every day, but I would class it as being at each other’s throats. There’s a lot of give and take. What I was trying to say was that getting through those hard times made us stronger and I’m still totally in love with the Mrs even after 19 years together and 12 years of marriage.

[Bluewolf]

18 hours ago, Eco said:

Yeah, so we will see what happens. Kills to think of leaving my daughter and moving out, but thrills me to bits to think of leaving my wife and allowing me to live in a stress free, clean, house. 

I get that, having had 4 kids myself and them always being around all the time in the same house even as they were getting older and then adding 2 grandkids to that list as well just leaves no breathing space for peace of mind and that's important, everybody needs a bit of quiet time, somewhere to chill out without noise and conversation... As time goes by you feel boxed in with no exit door, the place is messy because the little ones always have stuff out all over the place and they always want your attention all the time and don't get me wrong I love my kids but between 12 hour shifts and a full house all the time it can get a bit much... Hope things work out for you mate, nothing more heart breaking than a serious split and even more so when you have your daughter to consider in all of that.. 

18 hours ago, nudge said:

Yeah hope it works out well for you; one way or the other.

Giving ultimatums is just immature as fuck; it's pretty much threatening someone with consequences if they don't get what they want. It takes two to make any relationship work and it's very very rarely (if ever) a fault of one person if things aren't working out. 

 

So very true... that old saying 'It takes two to tango' springs to mind here, I can't think of any relationship I was ever in where I was blameless in any parting of the ways but I learnt a lot from my father about the art of negotiating the river rapids of a long term relationship to make sure you still stay in the boat... something I never truly appreciated as a teenager obviously but has proven to have been a valuable lesson for my later years... 

3 hours ago, DeadLinesman said:

Everybody’s different mate. Me and the wife usually have a massive Barney every month or two, little arguments every day, but I would class it as being at each other’s throats. There’s a lot of give and take. What I was trying to say was that getting through those hard times made us stronger and I’m still totally in love with the Mrs even after 19 years together and 12 years of marriage.

Wow, you must be one irritating sod to live with then... I have mine down to every 6 months or so, we don't argue everyday and normally save the big blow up for the half yearly head to head... Seriously though you are right, little things going on and the stress of kids etc does get to you after a while and those are just the small things, there are so many other more serious things that go on in our lives that affect our moods and situations and I don't know if it's because we are more old school that we are still together, the idea of jacking it in because it gets a bit rough has never ever been on the radar.. I always tell her I am getting too old and tired to be starting all over again with someone else so we better sort our shit out... Another thing, when we were younger having a fallout always had the make up sex/cuddles etc which was always good but these days when the row has finally been resolved I just breathe a big sigh of relief... 

[CaaC (John)+]

18 hours ago, Eco said:

No. In fact, if it got nasty, I could easily get full custody, but I don't want to fight. 

Our daughter is going through a bad patch with her ex and has been since they separated over a year ago, our daughter found out he was having an affair behind her back for over a year, she left him and stayed with us and the cunt of an ex then went and got married to this bimbo with 3 other kids and divorced, at the moment our daughter has custody of our 2 grandsons but the ex has rights and takes them with him every 2 weeks for the weekend but solicitors are involved with this cunt of an ex.  

I can't go into any more detail as it's very personal but it's taking me and the wife all our time of stopping our son going around and kick the almighty shit out of her ex, as I mentioned, our son is now divorced and on good speaking terms with his ex and now she has found another guy, our son is having a relationship with another lady but they both share custody with wee Alexander who we have here this weekend.

Our son is staying with us atm as it is easier expense wise as he has a taxi job with long hours but he is going to move to Perth here in Scotland in the coming weeks and move in with his new lady love, the irony of it is she is divorced with 3 other kids, as the wife said to me privately "FFS John we can never win..." I just laughed and said, "Let him get on with it, as long as he is ok and happy and we still see Alexander (grandson) that will do us." 

Like I said, me and the wife have been married 46 years coming up this December, we have had our ups and downs, I have been hit on the head with frying pans, cups, saucers and even an old tv remote control but I have never laid a hand on Liz and we are still both together, as the song goes by Dean Martin...

 Love and marriage, love and marriage
They go together like a horse and carriage
This I tell you, brother
You can't have one without the other 

 

[True Blue]

Broken homes are the worst on the kids. I am from a broken home my parents divorced when i was 5 as my Dad was a heavy alcoholic. My mum re-married and is with my step dad for over 23 years and he is a great man. He is a good husband and a good dad to my half brother. He always approached me as a friend and never tried to boss me and be my dad. My mum asked me what do i think about her being re-married and i said that i want her to be happy and not alone for the rest of her days just because my dad chose the life he chose, the one with no future. He tried to keep contact with me once a year but if he didn't even bother to keep in touch after 32 years why should we be in contact now. I am now married i don't have kids, but i know that if i and the missus got divorced i would be there for my children until my last day.

[Eco]

1 hour ago, True Blue said:

Broken homes are the worst on the kids. I am from a broken home my parents divorced when i was 5 as my Dad was a heavy alcoholic. My mum re-married and is with my step dad for over 23 years and he is a great man. He is a good husband and a good dad to my half brother. He always approached me as a friend and never tried to boss me and be my dad. My mum asked me what do i think about her being re-married and i said that i want her to be happy and not alone for the rest of her days just because my dad chose the life he chose, the one with no future. He tried to keep contact with me once a year but if he didn't even bother to keep in touch after 32 years why should we be in contact now. I am now married i don't have kids, but i know that if i and the missus got divorced i would be there for my children until my last day.

Yeah - I actually met with my father yesterday who has been divorced 3 times, and always kept up with me (his only child), and his ex step-children. He just reminded me that at least I have my daughter, and while there is no doubt that a kid growing up with married parents is the best thing, a child growing up with happy parents is MUCH more healthier than with parents who don't get along but stay together 'for the kids'. 

I would be shocked if a divorce got nasty between us. There are times where she gets a little nasty, but it's rare. Me, I don't have the energy to be really nasty, although I can be passive aggressive AF if I'm not careful. 

Anyways, I ended up moving into the guest bedroom. Slept great last night, woke up as normal to get the kid ready, and the wife seemed to be a good mood too, so I'm going to stay here for the weekend and just test it out. If we are happier apart, then I'll start looking for apartments. 

I also got myself an appointment with a therapist. I loved what my Dad said, which was, "So if you go to the Therapist, what does 'fix' look like to Leighton?" Which I thought was a solid question to ask, and one that I'll ask er this weekend. 

Still feeling shitty when I think about moving out and leaving my daughter, there is certainly a feeling of guilt. But I want my daughter to grow up in a happy household, and honestly, I'd love for Leighton to find someone who makes her truly happy, but I don't think that's me anymore. 

[CaaC (John)+]

As mentioned our son gets on ok with his ex and new partner and the son will have Alexander with him here this weekend, the son has a double bed in the backroom with tv and video games and as per normal when AJ [we call him that which is short for Alexander James], stays the son will either take him to the cinema or take him out for a meal and then AJ will amuse himself in the backroom playing with his Xbox/iPad things while our son is working on the taxis, just been told by our son that his mum will be dropping him off here around 5'ish and he wants grannie to make him cheese macaroni for tea as he loves the wife's cheese macaroni with homemade chips lol.  

Our son also coaches an under-14 football team and AJ plays for them too so he will still see both his mum & dad while he grows up without any hassle, me and Liz hate seeing kids getting drawn into arguments with parents over kids, our daughter is going through all that with her cunt of an ex atm but me and Liz will always not speak about that in front of her 2 boys our grandsons but just keep them smiling.   

I hope things work out ok @Eco with you and your wife and if you do split up still be good friends with her for your kid's sake and she will grow up just like our Alexander knowing she has the love of her mum and dad who still talk to each other.      

[Eco]

Thank you @CaaC (John). 

My ultimatum was given a deadline of Sunday, so this weekend will tell a lot about the future. 

[Dan+]

14 hours ago, DeadLinesman said:

Everybody’s different mate. Me and the wife usually have a massive Barney every month or two, little arguments every day, but I would class it as being at each other’s throats. There’s a lot of give and take. What I was trying to say was that getting through those hard times made us stronger and I’m still totally in love with the Mrs even after 19 years together and 12 years of marriage.

I do think it's a bit different to what my girls is like (well can I call her that ), hers is habitual arguing, I've seen them together in town albeit briefly and they had more of an argument then than I've had with her since I've known her. I don't see how hers is any good for her.

I think she's a bit young and naive. She's very mature in some ways and not in others.

I don't expect anything to happen anytime soon anyway. It can't. If it happens it happens.

[Berserker]

Honestly it's for the best @Eco I wanted to tell you a long time ago when you had already mentioned her being hysterical and "bipolar" that you should leave her to put it in nice words, but i didn't know how you'd react and i didn't want to offend you. I honestly wouldn't tolerate any of that shit, no chance in hell, and i don't wanna judge or criticize you but when things aren't peachy at the start, chances are they're not gonna get better by marrying, it's just a piece of paper and a contract that makes it's more complicated to split up and can potentially ruin you financially.

Me personally, if i'm with someone it's to make my life better and be happier, not viceversa. It's okay for people to be sad or nervous in a certain moment because problems can arise, but i won't tolerate hysteria or crazy behaviour, and i like to make things crystal clear from the very start. And if things don't go like i intended them to go and are not like they seemed then it's over, blunt, direct and to the point. I may give you one opportunity to change if the good outweighs the bad , but one is one, i'm not gonna be stuck on an endless loop wasting my time and energy, no thanks.

[Viva la FCB+]

Man Im with Mel on this one  Such a high and low of feelings all so quickly together. Congrats @Stan thats awesome news, any story about how the proposal was set up? Sorry Ive read fairly far back but I didnt see one.

Also congrats @DeadLinesman awesome news. Im sure you already have a good idea what your in for, a little different with a girl I would think though.

@Eco really sorry to hear about it all mate. My experience is a little different my parents got divorced when I was in high school so I cant shed too much light to help you there. What I can say is my mom in particular was way way happier nearly right away. My dad had many problems alcholoism was the big one. They are just simply better apart, for reference they where married 32 years. People change, circumstances change and its not always anyones fault. I know its alot more complicated with a young daughter, I hope for all your sakes you figure out whats best for all of you anyways. Wish you the best.

[Stan]

6 minutes ago, Viva la FCB said:

Man Im with Mel on this one  Such a high and low of feelings all so quickly together. Congrats @Stan thats awesome news, any story about how the proposal was set up? Sorry Ive read fairly far back but I didnt see one

Interesting you ask! 

The original plan was to go to a rooftop bar, have a nice romantic dinner and then pop the question with scenic views of Madrid from above. 

That changed when we got to our hotel the day before and we found out our room had a balcony with rooftop views (not as high but still significant) of the city. 

Dinner was at 8.30pm so I said to get ready for 7.30pm, we'd get a drink at the hotel bar then go to restaurant. I'd got ready before her (obviously) and went to hang out on the balcony just to take it all in. It was that moment I literally thought I could ask her there, picturing it in my mind. And if I was going to do it, it was now. So I went back in the room, picked the ring up and took it back out with me. She came out as well for a bit, we took a few photos. Then she went back in and when she came back, I was waiting there on one knee

 

I'd actually contacted the restaurant weeks before to say what the (original) plan was and they were great about it. Obviously didn't have time to let them know I'd changed my plans but when we got there they saw the ring and gave us a bottle of champagne on the house

[Viva la FCB+]

23 minutes ago, Stan said:

Interesting you ask! 

The original plan was to go to a rooftop bar, have a nice romantic dinner and then pop the question with scenic views of Madrid from above. 

That changed when we got to our hotel the day before and we found out our room had a balcony with rooftop views (not as high but still significant) of the city. 

Dinner was at 8.30pm so I said to get ready for 7.30pm, we'd get a drink at the hotel bar then go to restaurant. I'd got ready before her (obviously) and went to hang out on the balcony just to take it all in. It was that moment I literally thought I could ask her there, picturing it in my mind. And if I was going to do it, it was now. So I went back in the room, picked the ring up and took it back out with me. She came out as well for a bit, we took a few photos. Then she went back in and when she came back, I was waiting there on one knee

 

I'd actually contacted the restaurant weeks before to say what the (original) plan was and they were great about it. Obviously didn't have time to let them know I'd changed my plans but when we got there they saw the ring and gave us a bottle of champagne on the house

Thats a great story, cheers. Congrats again!

[Harry]

22 hours ago, Dan said:

Very good but she's a bit close to an ex so it's just dodgy ground really, but I speak to her pretty much all the time at work (we're on some instant messenger system and I can't lie my work's a doddle a lot of the time) and I don't know, at times it just feels a bit more than friends. I've always been mates with her ever since she started there. They run this scheme every year now where they take on new apprentices and run a course alongside work and I joined the course as they opened it up to permanent staff as well and me and her were just close on it really, although she was with said ex at the time so I thought it was a no go back then - was only once she was properly single (so I thought) I started to think this is getting a bit beyond friends now. We'd never really spoken directly about it but you know when it just seems a bit like... more.

Sure enough though they're back together so for now nothing will happen - but they will split again and I'm sure of it, very fractured relationship and it makes absolutely no sense for her to stick with it, but she'll find out the hard way. He's a dickhead though and I'm not just saying that through bias either - I've had this said to me by someone close to both.

It's just one of those kind of like... in the background if you like, but I was a bit sick when she got back with him put it that way, but we're still good friends and there are times I feel like it's going to end up being a bit more one day, suppose it's just biding my time I guess.

Intrigued to know what you say here @DeadLinesman but I noticed a point you made on the previous page about relationships being 'imperfect' - I agree there's no such thing as the perfect relationship and it's pie in the sky to think it is, but I'd be intrigued to know how bad is 'imperfect'? Like what degree of issue are we talking here? Because to me this girl and her lad are very much 'imperfect' but they're well beyond that. Is talking to each other like shit, always arguing, upsetting each other imperfect? Or nearer 'insanity' (to be in this relationship) because thinking the latter. They're no good for each other and she deep down knows it, she just can't let it go, but one day she will. She's a bit younger than me so I think she'll learn.

Suppose the case really is just will I still be arsed by the time that comes around. Who knows.

Thing with me is I don't really go looking for relationships as such - I don't really force it, it just falls a bit into place. I don't feel like "right, I need a girlfriend now" I just have certain girls historically who I've naturally ended up liking. I don't think it's any good to force it but that's just my own instinct.

It sounds like you need a work Xmas party or something where you're spending a lot of time chatting and she's getting a bit tipsy, and you stay soberish so you can just read the signs, and respond proportionately without becoming drunk yourself and letting your emotions and signals get too obvious.

Definitely your description of her relationship is nothing like I have with my wife. There can be anger shown but not contempt.

[Dan+]

Had a bit of a read of yours @Eco - I can't speak as a parent in that situation obviously but I can as someone who grew up through my parents getting divorced. My Dad did the dirty and Mum caught him, and to be honest I think he got caught deliberately because there's no way you would be as stupid to leave your phone on the bed, that was exactly the same as my Mum's phone, when the other woman was texting you stuff.

It was the cowardly way out in my opinion but having grown up as a child of divorced parents I actually don't think it's worked out badly. It's obviously very shit for a while, I woke up every day for a little while feeling nasty every time I got up when I remembered what had been going on, but that didn't last long and I think everybody actually ended up better for it - the biggest loss really was the house, they sold it and both parents bought smaller ones (5 minutes walk from each other which my Mum was initially livid about but it's worked out), but ultimately I don't think either of them were particularly happy in the marriage. I didn't see it that way at all when I was only 11 and it happened, but over time I think both of them have come out of it happier although it's taken my Dad a long time and I worry I'm a bit like him in this sense, he clearly loved that other woman (who I've never met as it happens) but she was also married - however her husband took her back and he just waited and waited on her for years and it never happened. He's with someone new after all this.

Appreciate this has turned into a bit of a life story of my own and it's not meant to be, but the point ultimately is that as the kid, the ultimate sufferer you would say in this situation, I've come out of it fine and appreciating that although it was a shit phase, it was just that - a phase. For all my Dad did wrong he never left our lives and despite their arguments they both still managed to give me and my sister a good upbringing despite this, so if you're both committed to that (and I see no reason at all that you aren't) then I think you'll be fine, even if you do split up.

[Dan+]

1 hour ago, Harry said:

It sounds like you need a work Xmas party or something where you're spending a lot of time chatting and she's getting a bit tipsy, and you stay soberish so you can just read the signs, and respond proportionately without becoming drunk yourself and letting your emotions and signals get too obvious.

Definitely your description of her relationship is nothing like I have with my wife. There can be anger shown but not contempt.

Ha funny you mention works christmas party - we're not in the same team at work but are on the same floor, but her team had a little one of their own and they didn't join into the main one, however she was gonna come and see me on it anyway (so she said) however I ended up missing the whole thing through illness anyway so we'll never know.

As a side note there won't be any conflicts of interest. Neither of us high up enough and as stated we're not in the same team either. We do have a final assessment for that course coming up though which we've basically said we'll do together. Think the main issue work have to worry about is that they've given us all an instant messenger system to save emailing all the time and me and her just use it to chat all day

I'm meant to be meeting her and her mate in town before the football tomorrow. You know what I mean here? Just little things that seem slightly more than work colleagues.

We are, at worst, very good friends though.

As for her relationship - it's utter shite, they were apart for a year and he kept trying to get her back but according to that girl I know who knows them both they were nothing but trouble back in the day as well, it's beyond me that she's gone back there, probably just playing what she thinks is safe. Honestly if I spoke to her anything like how he did I'd expect her to lose any interest in me. I think she'll snap out of it one day.

It's a tricky one. I just think it's something a bit in the background, that a few months ago I was thinking was possibly going to happen but hasn't yet, maybe one day, who knows. I hope so though.

[Mpache]

Reading this thread just reminds me of why I don’t really care to get married. Sometimes I wonder to myself if that is the best decision I can make. To be lonely and free but with occasions of sadness or to be accompanied and loved with huge risks of divorce and worrying constantly. Personally I don’t believe in myself in this love game and my negativity has made me scrap the idea all together.

Also a big congratulations to @Stan. To understand it right you got engaged but not married am I correct?

[Rucksackfranzose]

1 hour ago, Inti Brian said:

Reading this thread just reminds me of why I don’t really care to get married. Sometimes I wonder to myself if that is the best decision I can make. To be lonely and free but with occasions of sadness or to be accompanied and loved with huge risks of divorce and worrying constantly. Personally I don’t believe in myself in this love game and my negativity has made me scrap the idea all together.

Also a big congratulations to @Stan. To understand it right you got engaged but not married am I correct?

In other words you don't find a partner, don't have enough self-esteem to be fine with it and are too cowardly to try and get one, because it might fail and hurt your precious little ego.

[Dan+]

To be fair I've had similar sorts of thoughts, plenty of times where I've just thought what the fuck am I trying to even achieve here, I think you'll think that way for a while and then naturally you'll revert back to wanting something - just got to find that right person I guess.

[Harry]

2 hours ago, Inti Brian said:

Reading this thread just reminds me of why I don’t really care to get married. Sometimes I wonder to myself if that is the best decision I can make. To be lonely and free but with occasions of sadness or to be accompanied and loved with huge risks of divorce and worrying constantly. Personally I don’t believe in myself in this love game and my negativity has made me scrap the idea all together.

Also a big congratulations to @Stan. To understand it right you got engaged but not married am I correct?

I think that'd be the wrong conclusion to draw mate. It's a thread that by its function is always going to give you a perspective of relationships that is skewed to the negative because people mainly post about their issues (negative) and only the most hugely positive things like engagements and pregnancies (positive) make the news in here.