Dating, Relationships and Marriage Thread

[Toinho]

3 hours ago, Rucksackfranzose said:

In other words you don't find a partner, don't have enough self-esteem to be fine with it and are too cowardly to try and get one, because it might fail and hurt your precious little ego.

Very unclassy response. I expect better from you. 

[Toinho]

4 hours ago, Inti Brian said:

Reading this thread just reminds me of why I don’t really care to get married. Sometimes I wonder to myself if that is the best decision I can make. To be lonely and free but with occasions of sadness or to be accompanied and loved with huge risks of divorce and worrying constantly. Personally I don’t believe in myself in this love game and my negativity has made me scrap the idea all together.

Also a big congratulations to @Stan. To understand it right you got engaged but not married am I correct?

It shouldn’t be a “I don’t care to get married” or a “I want to get married one day”. It’s all about who you meet, and I hope you do meet someone who shares and or understands the same things you are finding confronting, socially. 

[Stan]

4 hours ago, Inti Brian said:

Also a big congratulations to @Stan. To understand it right you got engaged but not married am I correct?

Thanks and yep

 

[Mpache]

Yeah to those who replied to me. It's all about meeting the right person. I fully agree that if something comes up, I'll be stupid enough to take it. However I'm not sure it's the right decision. I don't really have a life at the moment so I'm socially rusty (not that I was ever that good to begin with). Basically I went to a lot of parties in my pre-20 days but eventually became increasingly more negative and couldn't really care now. How that relates to love is because I just feel I'm not mentally strong enough to maintain a standard for a long amount of time. I don't think it's really worth it for me as things stand.

Being single can be fun though, sure you don't get the amount of support as you'd normally have with a partner but at least I feel free to do what I want without pressure. I am a traveller with eyes of being an expat at some point, something that will be increasingly limited if I get married.

[Storts]

On 28/01/2020 at 15:09, Storts said:

Doing alright - thanks Stan. Learning to cope a bit better with it - had a job interview yesterday so progressing on that front, and slowly feeling a bit better about life, although obviously at times slip back into the feeling sorry for myself. Speak with ex every now and again, just general chit chat and catch up - found it's the best way for me to cope at the moment. Not cold turkey, giving space and going days at a time with no contact, but at least speaking when I feel like I need to. It's definitely done though as a romantic thing. Don't think there's a way back.

Thanks to all for your comments before btw and sorry for not responding on them, found it quite difficult to.

Wish I was as positive now as I was then, and this is probably the wrong thread for this, but my anxiety has developed into depression, and I'm really struggling. Today has been the lowest day I've ever had. No routine, no purpose, it's really hard. Still not working, but can't even motivate myself or concentrate long enough to even apply. Confidence completely shot, personally and professionally. Need to start making little changes I think, can only do this myself, and reach a real emotional low today that it's all I can do.

[Eco]

24 minutes ago, Storts said:

Wish I was as positive now as I was then, and this is probably the wrong thread for this, but my anxiety has developed into depression, and I'm really struggling. Today has been the lowest day I've ever had. No routine, no purpose, it's really hard. Still not working, but can't even motivate myself or concentrate long enough to even apply. Confidence completely shot, personally and professionally. Need to start making little changes I think, can only do this myself, and reach a real emotional low today that it's all I can do.

I absolutely hate to hear this man. Honestly I think most of us have been there, and it sucks. 

The way I dealt with that was to make little changes in my life that gave me a sense of control. Setting the alarm to 6am and making my my purpose to wake up, shower, and eat a good breakfast gave me a sense of control, and it would start my day off with a completed task. 

While it doesn't work for me, I know a lot of people who improve by talking to friends/family about the struggles. It's like voicing them makes them more controllable or something. Again, not how I function, but I've heard it helps. 

Let us know if you need anything. 

[Storts]

8 minutes ago, Eco said:

I absolutely hate to hear this man. Honestly I think most of us have been there, and it sucks. 

The way I dealt with that was to make little changes in my life that gave me a sense of control. Setting the alarm to 6am and making my my purpose to wake up, shower, and eat a good breakfast gave me a sense of control, and it would start my day off with a completed task. 

While it doesn't work for me, I know a lot of people who improve by talking to friends/family about the struggles. It's like voicing them makes them more controllable or something. Again, not how I function, but I've heard it helps. 

Let us know if you need anything. 

That's exactly what I intend to do tomorrow - even just to find that little bit of routine. Going to go out for a walk when I walk up too.

Yeah I've opened up today, ultimately I don't think anyone can really help but yourself, as these are all internal demons I'm battling, but certainly easier to share the load. 

Thanks mate

[Harry]

26 minutes ago, Storts said:

Wish I was as positive now as I was then, and this is probably the wrong thread for this, but my anxiety has developed into depression, and I'm really struggling. Today has been the lowest day I've ever had. No routine, no purpose, it's really hard. Still not working, but can't even motivate myself or concentrate long enough to even apply. Confidence completely shot, personally and professionally. Need to start making little changes I think, can only do this myself, and reach a real emotional low today that it's all I can do.

I'm sorry to hear it's been such a tough one mate.

I know it wouldn't feel it right now but things will improve, and there'll come a time you look back on all this as a distant memory. I say that having been there or thereabouts myself.

Two things I'd pick up on in what you've said...

You can do it yourself, for sure, but also know you don't need to do it by yourself. There is always lots of support available.

The other one. You've been dealt a really rough hand so it's right and normal to be feeling as you are. So don't bother keeping calm, as it's unrealistic and unnatural for the time being. Still though, as often as is possible, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Build a routine, work towards improving your health and knowledge and skills. Schedule time to focus on things that enhance you even if they don't bring you joy in the present moment. You're not hiding from the painful realities, just recognising that life goes on regardless, and continuing to build.

Chin Up mate. Always here to chat if you need it.

[Harry]

8 minutes ago, Storts said:

That's exactly what I intend to do tomorrow - even just to find that little bit of routine. Going to go out for a walk when I walk up too.

Yeah I've opened up today, ultimately I don't think anyone can really help but yourself, as these are all internal demons I'm battling, but certainly easier to share the load. 

Thanks mate

I think others can still help a lot though mate. Friends and social networks can keep you grounded. Professional avenues can build some routine around when you pencil in time to open up the lid and let those issues out of the can for the purpose of dealing with them.

[Spike]

1 hour ago, Storts said:

Wish I was as positive now as I was then, and this is probably the wrong thread for this, but my anxiety has developed into depression, and I'm really struggling. Today has been the lowest day I've ever had. No routine, no purpose, it's really hard. Still not working, but can't even motivate myself or concentrate long enough to even apply. Confidence completely shot, personally and professionally. Need to start making little changes I think, can only do this myself, and reach a real emotional low today that it's all I can do.

I reckon, even if small, finding a new hobby to replace one of your current hobbies can be beneficial. Like instead of playing football manager, go for a bike ride. Just small changes, to focus the wandering and nervous mind. I find that helps me anyway.

[Dr. Gonzo]

1 hour ago, Storts said:

Wish I was as positive now as I was then, and this is probably the wrong thread for this, but my anxiety has developed into depression, and I'm really struggling. Today has been the lowest day I've ever had. No routine, no purpose, it's really hard. Still not working, but can't even motivate myself or concentrate long enough to even apply. Confidence completely shot, personally and professionally. Need to start making little changes I think, can only do this myself, and reach a real emotional low today that it's all I can do.

That's shit mate, sorry to hear that.

I think @Eco's suggestion's a good one - when I felt most depressed in my life, I'd wake up... and then just struggle to motivate myself to get out of the bed and I'd go back to sleep. Or I'd stay in bed on my phone until my phone died and I'd plug it back in and then I'd sleep. Get into the routine of getting up in the morning and getting ready to start your day... and you'll have started that day off with 1 task done.

And I think that lends into what @Harry and @Spike have also said. Building a routine can be a good thing after depression has sapped you of all motivation, because you get used to doing the certain things in your routine and then you develop the motivation for doing your routine... routinely. And Spike's new hobby suggestion, doing something small to change things up when you're not feeling at your greatest can be pretty good. And if it's something you like and enjoy and it's something new that you've not really done before... I think it plants the seeds of confidence because it shows you "hey look, you did something new and you're enjoying it - you're the kind of person who can do new things." And if you're like me, for some reason shit like that makes me feel more confident in myself and my ability to deal with new situations.

You'll get your mojo back fella, I'm sure of it. The fact you recognise this is a place you don't want to be in and are actively thinking about how to get yourself out of this mental space is a big indicator that you'll be fully capable of turning this around. Chin up  <3

[Lucas]

1 hour ago, Spike said:

I reckon, even if small, finding a new hobby to replace one of your current hobbies can be beneficial. Like instead of playing football manager, go for a bike ride. Just small changes, to focus the wandering and nervous mind. I find that helps me anyway.

This is true.

Bit weird but I joined a Spin class when I wanted to kick start myself during a low point. People come and go each week so it didn't ever feel clicky going on your own.

Just blended into the back of a class but soon met a couple good friends through going to that regular and confidence builds again.

When you feel a bit fitter, healthier, your mind feels so much more positive. Everyone just needs to find that initial step into something that will work for them.

Might not work for everyone, so just a suggestion, but it led to me then playing more 5 a side, squash, diet changing, fresh routines etc. Hopefully @Storts finds that something that can give him that push he needs.

Easier said than done of course, especially for those who may find the first step hard but you really got to just put yourself out of a comfort zone.

That's when you learn a lot about yourself from my experience.

 

 

[Storts]

18 hours ago, Harry said:

I'm sorry to hear it's been such a tough one mate.

I know it wouldn't feel it right now but things will improve, and there'll come a time you look back on all this as a distant memory. I say that having been there or thereabouts myself.

Two things I'd pick up on in what you've said...

You can do it yourself, for sure, but also know you don't need to do it by yourself. There is always lots of support available.

The other one. You've been dealt a really rough hand so it's right and normal to be feeling as you are. So don't bother keeping calm, as it's unrealistic and unnatural for the time being. Still though, as often as is possible, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Build a routine, work towards improving your health and knowledge and skills. Schedule time to focus on things that enhance you even if they don't bring you joy in the present moment. You're not hiding from the painful realities, just recognising that life goes on regardless, and continuing to build.

Chin Up mate. Always here to chat if you need it.

 

18 hours ago, Harry said:

I think others can still help a lot though mate. Friends and social networks can keep you grounded. Professional avenues can build some routine around when you pencil in time to open up the lid and let those issues out of the can for the purpose of dealing with them.

 

Thanks mate.

I hope so - I know this is the toughest moment in my life to date, and it really is a struggle at time, but I am thankful I do have people around me to support.

Today I did get up early, showered, went out for a walk etc. even did a job application for the first time in a month or so, so today has been a good day. I know there will be bad ones from the corner too, but will try and just get a routine. 

[Storts]

18 hours ago, Dr. Gonzo said:

That's shit mate, sorry to hear that.

I think @Eco's suggestion's a good one - when I felt most depressed in my life, I'd wake up... and then just struggle to motivate myself to get out of the bed and I'd go back to sleep. Or I'd stay in bed on my phone until my phone died and I'd plug it back in and then I'd sleep. Get into the routine of getting up in the morning and getting ready to start your day... and you'll have started that day off with 1 task done.

And I think that lends into what @Harry and @Spike have also said. Building a routine can be a good thing after depression has sapped you of all motivation, because you get used to doing the certain things in your routine and then you develop the motivation for doing your routine... routinely. And Spike's new hobby suggestion, doing something small to change things up when you're not feeling at your greatest can be pretty good. And if it's something you like and enjoy and it's something new that you've not really done before... I think it plants the seeds of confidence because it shows you "hey look, you did something new and you're enjoying it - you're the kind of person who can do new things." And if you're like me, for some reason shit like that makes me feel more confident in myself and my ability to deal with new situations.

You'll get your mojo back fella, I'm sure of it. The fact you recognise this is a place you don't want to be in and are actively thinking about how to get yourself out of this mental space is a big indicator that you'll be fully capable of turning this around. Chin up  <3

Yeah, that's been me. Except I haven't been sleeping, I wake up multiple times in the night if I do fall asleep, and then wallow most of the day in bed. Definitely do the phone thing too.

But you're right - routine is crucial for me right now. I need something that's going to motivate me. I think I'm going to play more golf too, get back into it.

Thanks though. Yesterday was a real low, and a wake up call. I've let myself sink deeper into depression and it's tough, but certainly want to improve and get confidence back etc. even though it's so hard to get out of your own head and negative thoughts.

[Stan]

Hang in there @Storts. Things do and will get better

 

@Eco what happened on/after Sunday...

[CaaC (John)+]

46 minutes ago, Storts said:

Yeah, that's been me. Except I haven't been sleeping, I wake up multiple times in the night if I do fall asleep, and then wallow most of the day in bed. Definitely do the phone thing too.

But you're right - routine is crucial for me right now. I need something that's going to motivate me. I think I'm going to play more golf too, get back into it.

Thanks though. Yesterday was a real low, and a wake up call. I've let myself sink deeper into depression and it's tough, but certainly want to improve and get confidence back etc. even though it's so hard to get out of your own head and negative thoughts.

@Storts, things do and will get better,  you are still young and have a whole life ahead of you, think positive, not negative, life can be a bastard sometimes but you just have to fight it and you will come out on top.  

[Eco]

1 hour ago, Stan said:

 

@Eco what happened on/after Sunday...

Yeah, so I officially moved in to the guest bedroom. I'm getting all my financials in a row in case divorce is the option. At the moment she seems content because I signed up for therapy, but I'm not sure how long that'll last or if I even want that. 

If I had to put a number on it, I'd say their is a 95% chance divorce is the answer, but I'm not yet at 100% because I'm too stubborn and we have a child to consider. 

[Eco]

I'll add this. Today was my first therapy session, and it went alright. I basically told her my life story using only the 'major' events. Afterwards and describing my wife and myself, she replied with, 'Wow, it sounds like you and your wife are struggling with the fact that she seems to be an extrovert and you are an introvert." 

No shit Sherlock...so why can she see this in an hour, but my wife of 9 years thinks I lied to her about my personality to 'trick' her into marriage? Unfucking real. I told my wife that I think we need to learn more about the other's personality, and she replied with some comment along the lines of, "Lucas, I have a degree in psychology, I don't need to read about introverts, I know introverts." 

[nudge+]

2 minutes ago, Eco said:

but my wife of 9 years thinks I lied to her about my personality to 'trick' her into marriage?

WTF 

You don't have to answer this if it's too personal but did your wife just send you to therapy in order to change your personality?...

[Eco]

Just now, nudge said:

WTF 

You don't have to answer this if it's too personal but did your wife just send you to therapy in order to change your personality?...

Yes. Her exact words last night was that I needed to go to therapy to learn how to 'change'. 

[nudge+]

Just now, Eco said:

Yes. Her exact words last night was that I needed to go to therapy to learn how to 'change'. 

Wow.

[Eco]

2 minutes ago, nudge said:

Wow.

Kind of my thoughts exactly. 

I seriously wish I disliked her or that she cheated on me. This would be easier. 

Getting even more into it, she is on a heavy dosage, twice a day, of some ADHD medicine. 2 months ago she also got prescribed Prozac and in the same month 'found God', so all she wants to do is go to church and listen to christian music. 

Maybe I just need to wait another 2 months and she'll then become someone new that I'll like more. 

[Eco]

Oh, and 2 months ago she got into weed again, and she's smoking it like it's her last days on Earth. 

[nudge+]

9 minutes ago, Eco said:

Kind of my thoughts exactly. 

I seriously wish I disliked her or that she cheated on me. This would be easier. 

Getting even more into it, she is on a heavy dosage, twice a day, of some ADHD medicine. 2 months ago she also got prescribed Prozac and in the same month 'found God', so all she wants to do is go to church and listen to christian music. 

Maybe I just need to wait another 2 months and she'll then become someone new that I'll like more. 

Is she suffering from depression? Postpartum? 

[Eco]

Just now, nudge said:

Is she suffering from depression? Postpartum? 

No idea. She want talk to me about it, but she is definitely going through something...