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23 minutes ago, Dr. Gonzo said:

Do I? They’re just thoughts

Which country do you live in? Unfortunately you don't always get the best help in the UK. You've literally got to make an attempt to get the proper care. Unfortunately there is  appropriate help for moderate anxiety and depression and there is appropriate help for if you are seriously ill and need hospititation. But not if you are severe but don't need hospitalisation. There is help but not enough. The conservatives have decimated mental health services in this country. You use to be able to get 12 to possibly 15 sessions with a professional. Now you can only get 6. 

I'm not a professional but if you are feeling depressed I would advice you to go to a doctor. 

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7 minutes ago, Gunnersaurus said:

Which country do you live in? Unfortunately you don't always get the best help in the UK. You've literally got to make an attempt to get the proper care. Unfortunately there is  appropriate help for moderate anxiety and depression and there is appropriate help for if you are seriously ill and need hospititation. But not if you are severe but don't need hospitalisation. There is help but not enough. The conservatives have decimated mental health services in this country. You use to be able to get 12 to possibly 15 sessions with a professional. Now you can only get 6. 

I'm not a professional but if you are feeling depressed I would advice you to go to a doctor. 

I don’t know if I’m depressed or not. I don’t think I am. I just think about suicide a lot sometimes and then other times I don’t think about it at all.

I’m pretty sure I’d never actually kill myself. But I get these intrusive thoughts.

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11 hours ago, Dr. Gonzo said:

Anyone struggle with suicidal ideation?

Yes.

Twice I have been in what I would describe as being in the waiting room of suicide, really dark place to be and not particularly fun. Speaking to a therapist was one of the best things I ever did, even though there was and still is a real stigma about it (so much so that only my wife and this forum knows that I have been to such a place). 

I think suicide can be a normal thought process regarding ones own morality, although it is very easy to spiral out of control. I called the NHS in my second "episode" as I was working next door to a motorway and basically had thoughts about whether jumping down would be a realistic option for me, for all the shit they get for my mental health they were brilliant. 

I don't think anyone with thoughts like me/you are ever "cured" but you can do enough to keep them at bay. Happiness and sadness are healthy feelings, in the right moderation.

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6 hours ago, Dr. Gonzo said:

I don’t know if I’m depressed or not. I don’t think I am. I just think about suicide a lot sometimes and then other times I don’t think about it at all.

I’m pretty sure I’d never actually kill myself. But I get these intrusive thoughts.

The weird thing about depression is that you can have it and not always know. I've had days where I thought I was just tired but it was depression. I would consider seeing a doctor. You said you were pretty sure you wouldn't kill yourself. That could be interpreted in more ways than one. You could mean your almost certain. Or it could mean you don't think you would but you may. I would get help though as the quicker you do the better.

 

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3 hours ago, Whiskey said:

Yes.

Twice I have been in what I would describe as being in the waiting room of suicide, really dark place to be and not particularly fun. Speaking to a therapist was one of the best things I ever did, even though there was and still is a real stigma about it (so much so that only my wife and this forum knows that I have been to such a place). 

I think suicide can be a normal thought process regarding ones own morality, although it is very easy to spiral out of control. I called the NHS in my second "episode" as I was working next door to a motorway and basically had thoughts about whether jumping down would be a realistic option for me, for all the shit they get for my mental health they were brilliant. 

I don't think anyone with thoughts like me/you are ever "cured" but you can do enough to keep them at bay. Happiness and sadness are healthy feelings, in the right moderation.

That sounds horrible. I've had a window that I've looked out before. I did right a goodbye note once. But I don't think I was going to. The issue i find as I said is that you have to literally be near commiting suicide to get the right care. It's not right 

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4 hours ago, Gunnersaurus said:

The weird thing about depression is that you can have it and not always know. I've had days where I thought I was just tired but it was depression. I would consider seeing a doctor. You said you were pretty sure you wouldn't kill yourself. That could be interpreted in more ways than one. You could mean your almost certain. Or it could mean you don't think you would but you may. I would get help though as the quicker you do the better.

 

Yeah cheers mate I think you & @Whiskeyhave convinced me it’s better to get help with it than just sit around with that shit just floating around in my head.

Also @Whiskey I appreciate you sharing that with me because I was feeling… idk how to describe it, weird and alone I guess. I felt better after having read what you typed up though somehow - so thanks for that pal

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I have never had any thoughts of suicide in my lifetime, maybe one of the reasons was when serving in the army and doing tours of duty and when we had to visit mortuaries doing body checks of people who had been brought in after being killed through terrorist activities and even suicide.

That was a part of my lifetime I will never forget, one incident which I have mentioned here before of seeing a young 2-year-old girl with her mother lying beside her, the mother who had lost her husband through a terrorist activity and committed suicide by holding her child in her arms and jumping off a bridge in Belfast and drowning them both.

I will never forget that and of seeing other things in the mortuary that would give you nightmares and it made me see life in a different way and I thanked God I was still in the land of living.

It took me 5 years after I left the army to get rid of the horrible dreams I would have where I would scream and cry in my sleep through the dreams, waking up sweating and shivering.

I thank God too because the wife was beside me all them times and would shake me and wake me up then comfort me during those bad times, as I said it took 5 long years but I managed to get rid of the nightmares but they are always there in the back of my mind, horrible thoughts.

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20 hours ago, Dr. Gonzo said:

Yeah cheers mate I think you & @Whiskeyhave convinced me it’s better to get help with it than just sit around with that shit just floating around in my head.

Also @Whiskey I appreciate you sharing that with me because I was feeling… idk how to describe it, weird and alone I guess. I felt better after having read what you typed up though somehow - so thanks for that pal

Yeah definitely get help. One good thing to come out of the pandemic is it seemed to have moved forward peoples attitude to mental health about 10, 15 years faster. Its still not where it needs to be but it is better. I would feel quite confident to tell an employer now about my issues. Give me a pm if you want any advice. I've got 20 years experience of dealing with depression and anxiety so I do know some useful stuff. Also if you live in the UK I would recommend going private for some stuff if you can. I pay £55 for a counselor for an hour but the difference is so much better. I love the NHS but it is limited. 

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23 minutes ago, Gunnersaurus said:

Yeah definitely get help. One good thing to come out of the pandemic is it seemed to have moved forward peoples attitude to mental health about 10, 15 years faster. Its still not where it needs to be but it is better. I would feel quite confident to tell an employer now about my issues. Give me a pm if you want any advice. I've got 20 years experience of dealing with depression and anxiety so I do know some useful stuff. Also if you live in the UK I would recommend going private for some stuff if you can. I pay £55 for a counselor for an hour but the difference is so much better. I love the NHS but it is limited. 

I’m not in the UK anymore unfortunately :( 

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