Dating, Relationships and Marriage Thread

[Stan]

6 minutes ago, Toinho said:

Looking forward to part 2 to get a better picture of it all. 

I’m 3 months in. Punching. Things going pretty decent, not going to get carried away. 

Domestic violence is no joke.

[Toinho]

2 minutes ago, Stan said:

Domestic violence is no joke.

I should really report it. 

[Dan+]

Much anticipated part 2...

I'll give a bit more of a background. Immediate obstacle is she doesn't actually live near to me. She lives on the border of London and Kent, which is obviously a pain. I genuinely can't remember how I know her, but we've always spoken and she's always been quite open with me about stuff (and I have met her before before anyone asks ).

Around 6 years ago, she got into a relationship with a mate of mine. It wasn't actually through me, it was a bit of a co-incidence really but sure enough I was effectively being forced into being a broker between them, saying "will he like me, do you think he'd get on with me" and likewise from him. Again, I genuinely have no idea how that came about but it happened. They were together for a couple of years before it came out he'd been abusive to her. No denial from him. I took her side. As far as I'm concerned, she was a mate as well as him, and he was the one in the wrong. He was at least honest enough with me to say "yeah I can't have any complaints, I've made a lot of mistakes here" but she revealed the details to me quite recently, and fuck me, this kid's a fucking psycho.

We haven't been talking say, every day for that 8 years but it's one of them where we could probably go a fortnight without speaking before she pops up "Dan, wanna hear my latest?" and she's got some daft story for me. I used to think for fuck sake what are you like, never did I think I'd be someone she's potentially telling these stories to people about  I think she's always trusted me.

Always found her attractive, but bizarrely never properly liked her in that way up until recently. About June time she was going through another really bad spell and again I was doing what I could to help her, and since that we've spoken pretty much all the time.

Around early August time I started to realise that, finally, I did actually quite like her myself. When I think back to my last ex and what I said further up in that I probably got a little bit lost in the fact we seemed such a good fit early doors, only to find out that really, we were pretty different and that she wasn't really what I was after - and likewise with her to me. This time it's a bit different because I have known her that long, seen her at her lowest, had her open up about pretty much everything to me, tell me things I can't really post on here, seen how many people have messed her around (and I don't just hear one side of it, she shows me pretty much all the conversations ) and yet... I still find myself thinking she's what I want. I mean obviously, there's going to be more to come from her if we're in a relationship and I'll see even more about her, but I'm pretty sure if me and her got together it would be serious.

The distance is a fucker but I'm not too bothered anymore. I can drive, she can drive, and I get the impression she would happily leave where she is anyway - her job's OK but her company strike me as a bit crap and I think she wants out of there eventually, she has got quite a few mates out this kind of way, possibly even more than back round home. I could actually see her moving here in the long run, but I'm not impatient about things. I am in general quite easy going and don't feel the need to rush anything. If things are on the right tracks and will gradually improve then that's all that matters to me.

Part 2 is getting a bit long so I'll do a part 3 when I've had some dinner.

[Stan]

@Dan good luck if it does go further than friends. Getting out of the friend-zone is a moment anyone should make the most of. It sounds in some parts that you're her fall guy, or safety net? So I'd be wary not to be taken advantage of because you've always been there for her.

I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the mental scars  

[Dan+]

Early doors when I realised I thought oh fuck no no no no because she's always someone I've liked having there. The thing is I don't entirely agree with the idea of a friend zone, I'd never rule anything out, I won't not get with her just because she's a close friend - while I think it'd obviously be a huge shame if it did go wrong and I lost her, I've got more faith in me and her than that and think we can be even more, I'm not letting the fear of losing her completely put me off her.

This will lead onto part 3, what's actually happened. Well, she's coming up in a couple of weeks (she also follows a team home and away, so you can do the maths) and she said she would come up for it probably back in about June time. Obviously this is just when it was mates, so there wasn't really an obligation for it to happen as frequently as I'd be aiming for if we were together.

So, back in late August, she went to see a medium. Now hear me out before you laugh at me here, as the point I'm making isn't based on what the medium said but more what she did. I've never really believed in psychic or anything like that although the accuracy that this medium called particular details of her life without knowing her is quite eerie, and it does make you wonder if there's something in it. Anyway, she actually sent me a voiceclip of where she thought I got mentioned. The medium asks her if she's going up to see someone soon and she says she is, before then being asked if there was romance involved in this trip, as well as asking her "do you think about him?" to which she admits she does. I've played it to a few people (I'm not posting it up on here, she'd kill me if she ever found this ) and every single one of them thinks she likes me in that way too, it's not a full on "yes I fancy him" but she's kind of laughing and agreeing with everything the medium says about how we could get together. I'm listening to this absolutely buzzing naturally, although she's already gone to bed by the time I'd heard it.

The thing with her is her past in relationships is so tainted that she is probably shit scared of going through it, especially with someone like me who she clearly trusts. Believe me it's gruesome, she's been abused by a few people both mentally and physically. I told her last week how I feel, explained the lot of it, and she took a bit longer to reply than I wanted her to, and we still haven't properly sat down and spoken about it all either - in-fact we haven't spoken much at all, which is a shame because like I said beforehand we spoke daily, she'd send me stuff on the way to and from work, we'd send each other stuff at work, we were just talking loads so to lose that, even temporarily feels a bit sad. I just think we need to properly talk about it, she's said she's extremely busy lately and hasn't had a chance to have a proper talk about things.

She did however say in a fairly small reply that she isn't looking for anything right now (which I kind of knew, and respected, I even said it doesn't have to be straight away) and she doesn't want to jeopardise our friendship - which REEKS of friend zone to me, but having heard what she said to that medium I think there's a bit more to it personally. If she only ever sees us as friends, then I cannot fathom why she would not only say things that are untrue to someone she has paid to read into her life situation, but then send me that as well.

I just need a proper talk with her. She knows I'm reasonable though.

[Berserker]

Congrats David, just seen this but i wish you the very best in your marriage bro! @True Blue

 

[Danny]

You can do it @Dan, you can do it all night looong.

Seriously though sounds like she likes the idea but the travel and precious abuse probably on her mind.

[Dan+]

1 hour ago, Danny said:

You can do it @Dan, you can do it all night looong.

Seriously though sounds like she likes the idea but the travel and precious abuse probably on her mind.

I actually disagree on travel, she's been with people from a distance away before so I think that, while obviously an obstacle, wouldn't be enough to put her off.

My instinct is it's a combination of the fact she genuinely trusts me (and understandably she struggles to trust people) and her abusive past. The first point should fall in my favour but it's something she might not want to risk.

In most circumstances I would hold my hands up and say yeah, I got it wrong and there's no more to it than what there currently is now, but having heard what I heard her say, I can't believe there's nothing in it at her end.

[Harry]

14 hours ago, Dan said:

Early doors when I realised I thought oh fuck no no no no because she's always someone I've liked having there. The thing is I don't entirely agree with the idea of a friend zone, I'd never rule anything out, I won't not get with her just because she's a close friend - while I think it'd obviously be a huge shame if it did go wrong and I lost her, I've got more faith in me and her than that and think we can be even more, I'm not letting the fear of losing her completely put me off her.

This will lead onto part 3, what's actually happened. Well, she's coming up in a couple of weeks (she also follows a team home and away, so you can do the maths) and she said she would come up for it probably back in about June time. Obviously this is just when it was mates, so there wasn't really an obligation for it to happen as frequently as I'd be aiming for if we were together.

So, back in late August, she went to see a medium. Now hear me out before you laugh at me here, as the point I'm making isn't based on what the medium said but more what she did. I've never really believed in psychic or anything like that although the accuracy that this medium called particular details of her life without knowing her is quite eerie, and it does make you wonder if there's something in it. Anyway, she actually sent me a voiceclip of where she thought I got mentioned. The medium asks her if she's going up to see someone soon and she says she is, before then being asked if there was romance involved in this trip, as well as asking her "do you think about him?" to which she admits she does. I've played it to a few people (I'm not posting it up on here, she'd kill me if she ever found this ) and every single one of them thinks she likes me in that way too, it's not a full on "yes I fancy him" but she's kind of laughing and agreeing with everything the medium says about how we could get together. I'm listening to this absolutely buzzing naturally, although she's already gone to bed by the time I'd heard it.

The thing with her is her past in relationships is so tainted that she is probably shit scared of going through it, especially with someone like me who she clearly trusts. Believe me it's gruesome, she's been abused by a few people both mentally and physically. I told her last week how I feel, explained the lot of it, and she took a bit longer to reply than I wanted her to, and we still haven't properly sat down and spoken about it all either - in-fact we haven't spoken much at all, which is a shame because like I said beforehand we spoke daily, she'd send me stuff on the way to and from work, we'd send each other stuff at work, we were just talking loads so to lose that, even temporarily feels a bit sad. I just think we need to properly talk about it, she's said she's extremely busy lately and hasn't had a chance to have a proper talk about things.

She did however say in a fairly small reply that she isn't looking for anything right now (which I kind of knew, and respected, I even said it doesn't have to be straight away) and she doesn't want to jeopardise our friendship - which REEKS of friend zone to me, but having heard what she said to that medium I think there's a bit more to it personally. If she only ever sees us as friends, then I cannot fathom why she would not only say things that are untrue to someone she has paid to read into her life situation, but then send me that as well.

I just need a proper talk with her. She knows I'm reasonable though.

What was the manner of your correspondence? Were you telling her all this face to face? Did you see any surprise, happiness,  awkwardness in her eyes etc?

[Dan+]

4 hours ago, Harry said:

What was the manner of your correspondence? Were you telling her all this face to face? Did you see any surprise, happiness,  awkwardness in her eyes etc?

Nah messaged her. Which is shit but like I say she lives a bit of a way away.

She still hasn't spoken to me properly. If it wasn't for the information I knew I would assume by now I had it wrong but I don't think this is a simple case to be honest. She's quite complex.

[carefreeluke]

1 hour ago, Dan said:

Nah messaged her. Which is shit but like I say she lives a bit of a way away.

She still hasn't spoken to me properly. If it wasn't for the information I knew I would assume by now I had it wrong but I don't think this is a simple case to be honest. She's quite complex.

Interesting read mate.

Hope it works out for you mate.

[Dan+]

34 minutes ago, carefreeluke said:

Interesting read mate.

Hope it works out for you mate.

Cheers. I'm just a bit confused really. I do appreciate it's hard for her though, like it probably seems a really big risk for her.

[Dan+]

I can tell she's dodging the subject. Not happy with her at the minute. It's nowhere near over but she seems scared to talk about it with me.

[Stan]

59 minutes ago, Dan said:

I can tell she's dodging the subject. Not happy with her at the minute. It's nowhere near over but she seems scared to talk about it with me.

She may be caught in two minds about it given it sounds like you have a really good friendship and the longevity of it all to start with. Maybe she needs some convincing to go a step further... 

[Dan+]

7 minutes ago, Stan said:

She may be caught in two minds about it given it sounds like you have a really good friendship and the longevity of it all to start with. Maybe she needs some convincing to go a step further... 

I mean dodging talking to me at all. She sent me something at work on Monday saying she will talk about it but she's been really busy, which I thought fair enough. The problem is I've heard nothing from her since and I kind of want to talk about this today - I go to Holland and Germany for a week tomorrow and then in Leeds for a few days after, so my time could be limited. I've told her this as well.

I don't think she's being entirely fair on me in all honesty here. Not to the point I want to fuck it all off at all, but it's hard to adjust to hardly hearing off her. I don't buy that she's had absolutely no time all week.

But you may have a point as well. I've told her to be chilled out about it because I'm not going to try and force it upon her quicker than she's comfortable with. If she was someone new, I wouldn't wait, but I've known her so long that I think we'd be able to.

As stated, in usual circumstances I would think I've been friend zoned - and I may well have been, but I know exactly what I heard on that voice note.

[Carnivore Chris]

@Dan It sounds like you want to get shut to me before your head ends up messed up.

 

[Dan+]

30 minutes ago, The Rebel CRS said:

@Dan It sounds like you want to get shut to me before your head ends up messed up.

If this was a girl I'd not known a long time, I would've binned it off by now I think.

[Toinho]

10 hours ago, Dan said:

If this was a girl I'd not known a long time, I would've binned it off by now I think.

Tough one mate... I’d been in a similar situation many many years ago and got the wrong end of the stick...

[Harry]

On 11/10/2018 at 19:56, Dan said:

Nah messaged her. Which is shit but like I say she lives a bit of a way away.

She still hasn't spoken to me properly. If it wasn't for the information I knew I would assume by now I had it wrong but I don't think this is a simple case to be honest. She's quite complex.

Have you told her that you get the impression its mutual which is part of the reason you're suggesting it and feeling that way about her in the first place? She might not realise you are under this impression. 

If she's not into it that may make it easier to let you down. 

 

[Dan+]

Bit of an update as it's been a little while...

She finally started talking to me again last week after I'd made it pretty clear she was worrying me a bit. She's stuck with the story of being busy and bogged down, which I believe to a degree but still think she's using that to hide the fact she's scared to talk about it - how can you go from talking nearly constantly to barely uttering a word to me in about 9 days, co-incidentally coming at the time I've said what I did to her. I don't think it's complete bull from her as I know she has had a lot on lately but I do think she's exaggerated it slightly.

She's still coming up this weekend and I think it could be quite telling to see if there's more to this at her end than just being mates. Like I said before she's up for the football and I'm going town with her after so while beforehand probably isn't the time for anything deep with her I reckon afterwards will probably be quite telling.

I'm not letting her totally dodge the topic as I've got a bit more respect for myself than that, although enough for her to say that it doesn't have to be immediate. I'm glad we're talking pretty much normally again but the fact it's gone from barely talking to that doesn't mean she gets away with putting it off for ages.

 

For me it's one of the following:

a) She simply doesn't see me as anything more than a very good friend. The meeting with the medium was about me (it absolutely has to be, something hugely doesn't add up if it's about someone else) but she kind of played along with it in embarrassment - though if that is the case then I think to send me that without an explanation and not expect it to play on my mind is naive at best, and cruel at worst.

b) She does want me in that way but finds it hard to admit it to herself - understandable given we've been friends for so long and in a history of being screwed over, she's scared to jeopardise arguably her best friendship.

c) She does want me in that way but doesn't want anything to happen immediately due to other things going on in her life - work's just gotten significantly more stressful for her as she's been promoted due to her boss leaving, is working another job on the side and is now doing a course on top of it too. I get why she thinks it's tough to fully commit at the minute although I will absolutely stress that this isn't a problem to me. I've spent the last year thinking I don't give two fucks about getting in a relationship and I will never actively go looking for one (not a proper relationship anyway) but when it feels right with someone, I'll do whatever to make it work. The point here is I'm happy to wait, I don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything if I know I'm getting what I truly want eventually. I wouldn't do this with a girl I hadn't known a long time, but this is practically my best friend, she's a significant part of my life so it's different really.

d) She does kind of like me, but isn't 100% sure either. There was a point where I was like this with her as well, having known her that long, only seen her as a friend in that time and heard all kinds about relationships she'd been in, it was kind of questioning myself really - how could it be her? Maybe she's like that with me. Who knows.

 

Fuck sake. All this for a girl I'll never necessarily get with. She's just very significant to me though and I can't help it. I've never been as convinced I like a girl as this in my life.

[Toinho]

Tough one mate... you’re meeting up with her soon? Hopefully that’ll answer the questions. I always prepare for the worst in my mind though... 

[Dan+]

3 hours ago, Toinho said:

Tough one mate... you’re meeting up with her soon? Hopefully that’ll answer the questions. I always prepare for the worst in my mind though... 

Yeah she's coming up Saturday and staying in Leicester (if I end up staying with her then lets just say it's a huge victory) but I reckon it'll be easier to read into things.

I'm half prepared for the worst but I am absolutely not going down here without an explanation either. If it's option A then I'll be gutted albeit will have to get over it (which is tricky given how close I am to her) but any of the others and I think it can be worked on.

[Harry]

Fingers crossed that it's a good answer for you mate. 

[Toinho]

Aye good luck 

[Toinho]

@Danhow’d it go lad?