Dating, Relationships and Marriage Thread

[Stan]

5 hours ago, Rick said:

So, yesterday as I was finishing work she phoned me and asked me if we could talk. So we’ve ended up having a conversation and she told me “I don’t know how you’re going to react to this but I’m not ready to have another baby”.
 

Her son is only 5 months old, and she ended up pregnant again. I completely understand her reasons for not wanting to go ahead with the pregnancy. If I was in her position I would be making the same decision. She has been honest and says that mentally she knows she wouldn’t be able to cope with having two very young baby’s alone, and to be honest that was my main worry about the whole thing; her whole mental state when she has two screaming babies at 3 in the morning and nobody there to support her. There’s only so much family can do for her and as much as I would have been hands on, I can’t be there 24/7 either. She phoned the doctor today, they said that they will contact her with an appointment. She has asked me to be there with her, which I obviously was going to do anyways. 
 

I don’t know how to feel at the moment, it just feels so surreal. Like I’m just in one big blur or some weird dream that doesn’t feel real. On one had I feel incredibly sad and guilty, but on the other I have the feeling of relief for myself and her too. The relief in not worrying how my child is doing on a day to day basis, if he’s missing out on things, the idea of her getting with a new partner and them being around my child…all of those thoughts were just circling my mind. I never want to go through this situation ever again. In the short space of a couple of weeks my outlook on life has been changed quite massively. 
 

So now, the plan is to be supportive through this process. With it being so early, the doctor has said it will just be a couple of tablets to take and not anything invasive, which I think makes it a little bit easier to deal with. 

Did you have it confirmed it was definitely yours?

[Rick]

29 minutes ago, Stan said:

Did you have it confirmed it was definitely yours?

I didn’t up to this point no, there was literally no time for it. I hadn’t had that conversation. To be honest, I have no doubt in my mind that it’s mine. We only broke up at the weekend, she’s had a young child to watch and has went through past trauma of being cheated on, so there no part of me that doubts her. 

[Toinho]

Tough decision to make. I’m sure you’ve done what’s best for you both but I must ask… were neither of you on contraception?? 

[ROBBIEFC]

Right, it's my turn to ask for some advice...

There's a girl I really like. She's very hot and cold however, as a person. I spoke to her about feelings when she was drunk and she opened up to me that she's growing on the idea of things progressing. Yet, she doesn't tend to show this, or at least not explicitly. As I say, she's a hot and cold girl. Wherever I've looked for advice on how to overcome this hot/cold barrier, I'm met with some shady advice, including to just give up and move on. I'm determined not to though, so I'm wondering if any of you have experience with hot and cold girls that you could draw upon?

[Eco]

1 hour ago, Robbie said:

Right, it's my turn to ask for some advice...

There's a girl I really like. She's very hot and cold however, as a person. I spoke to her about feelings when she was drunk and she opened up to me that she's growing on the idea of things progressing. Yet, she doesn't tend to show this, or at least not explicitly. As I say, she's a hot and cold girl. Wherever I've looked for advice on how to overcome this hot/cold barrier, I'm met with some shady advice, including to just give up and move on. I'm determined not to though, so I'm wondering if any of you have experience with hot and cold girls that you could draw upon?

Question #1 - How old are you? 

Question #2 - How long have you and her been trying to hit it off? 

[CaaC (John)+]

6 hours ago, Robbie said:

Right, it's my turn to ask for some advice...

There's a girl I really like. She's very hot and cold however, as a person. I spoke to her about feelings when she was drunk and she opened up to me that she's growing on the idea of things progressing. Yet, she doesn't tend to show this, or at least not explicitly. As I say, she's a hot and cold girl. Wherever I've looked for advice on how to overcome this hot/cold barrier, I'm met with some shady advice, including to just give up and move on. I'm determined not to though, so I'm wondering if any of you have experience with hot and cold girls that you could draw upon?

As an old man, that bit gives me the heebie-jeebies tbh, if she opens up when she is drunk then I would be careful and if she comes onto you sex-wise when drunk then reject the idea straight away as if anything did happen she just might cry wolf on you.

Best just let her go hot and cold with you until you get to know her better then she might trust you a bit more when she knows you better, and do that when sober, maybe invite her out for a meal or cinema with no booze attached.

Reading someone when they go hot and cold it could mean a certain thing you spoke about made her go cold because maybe something happened in the past that she would rather forget thus she suddenly switched off, try and read the situation a bit better if you say something that makes her hot like smiling and chatty try to remember that as a good thing she likes, but if you say something that makes her clam up then remember that and don't bring or speak of that subject again.

I always go by the eyes, when talking to someone look them straight in the eyes, that can tell you a lot, if the person avoids eye contact and keeps looking away especially a lady then she could be shy or a wee bit nervous.

[Stan]

6 hours ago, Robbie said:

Right, it's my turn to ask for some advice...

There's a girl I really like. She's very hot and cold however, as a person. I spoke to her about feelings when she was drunk and she opened up to me that she's growing on the idea of things progressing. Yet, she doesn't tend to show this, or at least not explicitly. As I say, she's a hot and cold girl. Wherever I've looked for advice on how to overcome this hot/cold barrier, I'm met with some shady advice, including to just give up and move on. I'm determined not to though, so I'm wondering if any of you have experience with hot and cold girls that you could draw upon?

She probably just has her guard up high potentially due to any past issues or relationships. 

If you ask her directly (risky) about why she doesn't open up you may get some honest truths and that's when she may open up to you, sober. 

Any relationship is about communication so if you carry on just trying to guess what's up and not try to explore the issues then you won't get very far. If you like this girl and talk to her hopefully she'll know it's coming from the heart and you're not just asking her randomly. She might see it as a positive and someone she can trust/confide in. But then again, if it's a really sensitive thing that's in her mind it might not be as easy as one chat or conversation. Might be a few and it depends how patient you'd like to be. If you really like her (again something you probably should tell her if not already) you'd be willing to wait and work at it for however long feels right. 

[Toinho]

Forgive the ignorance, but can you give an example of when she’s “hot” and “cold”? There’s some great advice above I feel though too.

edit: and she may not find making feelings known easily. I’ve met a girl like that before. If she’s chatting to you regularly and you two catch up then that’s perhaps her signs thst she is interested however we don’t have enough details / aren’t in your shoes.

[Devil]

8 hours ago, Robbie said:

Right, it's my turn to ask for some advice...

There's a girl I really like. She's very hot and cold however, as a person. I spoke to her about feelings when she was drunk and she opened up to me that she's growing on the idea of things progressing. Yet, she doesn't tend to show this, or at least not explicitly. As I say, she's a hot and cold girl. Wherever I've looked for advice on how to overcome this hot/cold barrier, I'm met with some shady advice, including to just give up and move on. I'm determined not to though, so I'm wondering if any of you have experience with hot and cold girls that you could draw upon?

 

My advice, whilst she's in one of her very hot periods get with her and make sure your at the top of your game, let her know how much you like her, treat her well, make sure she's kept happy in every way if you know what I mean. 

Then go cold on her, tell her you really like her but you don't trust she's committed enough because she's gone cold in the past, basically make out like you don't want to be let down and hurt. Give it a day or two and let it play on her mind, she will think about how good the last few weeks had been and that her ways were the issue that caused you to have doubts. Women hate rejection, it will play heavy in her head and she will get jealous of thought of you treating someone else as well as you treat her. 

Endlessly chasing a girl is a turn off for them in my opinion, turn the tables and make her realise she's the issue and that you're too good a thing to lose. 

[nudge+]

Anyone who plays games like that deserves to be hanged, drawn and quartered.

[Devil]

2 minutes ago, nudge said:

Anyone who plays games like that deserves to be hanged, drawn and quartered.

Women are the worst game players in the business, I've lost count of the amount of friends I've had that have blown a small fortune on a girl/women only to be ditched when they realise things are getting more serious than they wanted. 

It's harmlessly letting her know what's she will be missing. Women have been doing the same to men since the start of time. 

[nudge+]

Just now, Devil said:

Women are the worst game players in the business, I've lost count of the amount of friends I've had that have blown a small fortune on a girl/women only to be ditched when they realise things are getting more serious than they wanted. 

It's harmlessly letting her know what's she will be missing. Women have been doing the same to men since the start of time. 

I meant both men and women. It doesn't matter who's playing, it's always vile, manipulative shit. Got no time for it, and it properly fucks with your brain.

[Bluewolf]

9 hours ago, Robbie said:

Right, it's my turn to ask for some advice...

There's a girl I really like. She's very hot and cold however, as a person. I spoke to her about feelings when she was drunk and she opened up to me that she's growing on the idea of things progressing. Yet, she doesn't tend to show this, or at least not explicitly. As I say, she's a hot and cold girl. Wherever I've looked for advice on how to overcome this hot/cold barrier, I'm met with some shady advice, including to just give up and move on. I'm determined not to though, so I'm wondering if any of you have experience with hot and cold girls that you could draw upon?

To be honest that advice to give up and move on is fairly sound...

There are so many details of this situation that remain a mystery, like how long you have known each other for example, were you close as friends before getting these feelings?? 

Either she is attracted to you in the ways you would like or she's not and I hate to rain on your parade but it sounds as though she is not.. Your determination to not give up on the situation could be heaping a ton of pressure on her to give the answer you want to hear rather than giving you an honest answer that does not ruin your friendship.. The more you try to push the issue the worse the outcome is likely to be like giving it a go under duress and then both of you calling a it a day at some point in near future then risking losing that which you already have.. 

Just sounds from the little you have told us that she is unsure she wants more from it but you are pushing on regardless rather than easing off and seeing what happens naturally.. 

[Devil]

15 minutes ago, nudge said:

I meant both men and women. It doesn't matter who's playing, it's always vile, manipulative shit. Got no time for it, and it properly fucks with your brain.

So basically don't ever come to Devil for relationship advice because he's clearly been a game playing bast*rd!

You've made me feel terrible about myself now 

 

[ROBBIEFC]

Didn't expect so many replies, so I'll go through and answer them as they came. I'd like to thank you all now, as your advice has helped me a lot.

9 hours ago, Eco said:

Question #1 - How old are you? 

Question #2 - How long have you and her been trying to hit it off? 

I'm 22, and I'd say it's not been too long. I'd say it's been lingering for about a month.

3 hours ago, CaaC (John) said:

As an old man, that bit gives me the heebie-jeebies tbh, if she opens up when she is drunk then I would be careful and if she comes onto you sex-wise when drunk then reject the idea straight away as if anything did happen she just might cry wolf on you.

Best just let her go hot and cold with you until you get to know her better then she might trust you a bit more when she knows you better, and do that when sober, maybe invite her out for a meal or cinema with no booze attached.

Reading someone when they go hot and cold it could mean a certain thing you spoke about made her go cold because maybe something happened in the past that she would rather forget thus she suddenly switched off, try and read the situation a bit better if you say something that makes her hot like smiling and chatty try to remember that as a good thing she likes, but if you say something that makes her clam up then remember that and don't bring or speak of that subject again.

I always go by the eyes, when talking to someone look them straight in the eyes, that can tell you a lot, if the person avoids eye contact and keeps looking away especially a lady then she could be shy or a wee bit nervous.

We've been out to places before, and I'm always willing to do things. So goes to Uni and lives over there, but comes back to where we live often. So it's always a case of catching her alongside her other plans. She's invited me over to her Uni during Freshers (September) and to chill and do things so I view that as a positive. 

I've been trying the thing with the eyes funnily enough. I wear glasses normally, and I've noticed she looks at me a lot and with quite big eyes regardless of if I wear them or not. Observed them when she's completely disinterested in a conversation and they're quite small.

3 hours ago, Stan said:

She probably just has her guard up high potentially due to any past issues or relationships. 

If you ask her directly (risky) about why she doesn't open up you may get some honest truths and that's when she may open up to you, sober. 

Any relationship is about communication so if you carry on just trying to guess what's up and not try to explore the issues then you won't get very far. If you like this girl and talk to her hopefully she'll know it's coming from the heart and you're not just asking her randomly. She might see it as a positive and someone she can trust/confide in. But then again, if it's a really sensitive thing that's in her mind it might not be as easy as one chat or conversation. Might be a few and it depends how patient you'd like to be. If you really like her (again something you probably should tell her if not already) you'd be willing to wait and work at it for however long feels right. 

She definetely has her guard up a lot. It's especially when there's people around who she doesn't feel too comfortable around. I know this because we used to really dislike each other. She thought I was shady and fake, and I thought she was a bitch. But as we got to know each other, we realised that we got on well and that we're quite similar as people. We're good friends above all, and at the end of the day that's what's important. I'm definetely willing to wait and work at it rather than dive in.

2 hours ago, Toinho said:

Forgive the ignorance, but can you give an example of when she’s “hot” and “cold”? There’s some great advice above I feel though too.

Not ignornat at all! Around mid-April, she invited me out for the day to have some drinks and 'learn' to play bowls for a laugh. We work together, and at the place we work at they have two big greens, and she wanted to give it a go so I thought why not. Weather was great, we had a great time, and we then ended up going and having a couple more drinks in a pub. We don't live too far away from this place, but she wanted to go on a big detour into a big park. We sat down and started getting closer... I'll spare the details. When it started getting interesting, I looked at my phone and saw the mother (typical) had been trying to call me. So I called her back and walked away a bit, and got practically screamed back home by my mum. I told her and suddenly her mood swung and she wasn't interested. We started walking back towards our homes and she switches to a 'hot mood' again, we start holding hands and confiding in each other. We got to a place where we could part ways and all of a sudden she went cold again because she, and I quote, 'doesn't like being accompanied when walking to her house'. They'd just turned all of the street lights off where we were and I didn't actually know where she lived. For context, she lives on probably the longest road in Nuneaton and the furthest point is two miles away from where we were stood. So she starts arguing with me for a bit and agrees that I can walk her to the end of the road she lives on. When we get there she's still being a bit cold and we said goodbye. But then, out of nowhere, she says my name, and I turned towards her. She holds my hand and kisses me. And then goes off down the road.

2 hours ago, Devil said:

My advice, whilst she's in one of her very hot periods get with her and make sure your at the top of your game, let her know how much you like her, treat her well, make sure she's kept happy in every way if you know what I mean. 

Then go cold on her, tell her you really like her but you don't trust she's committed enough because she's gone cold in the past, basically make out like you don't want to be let down and hurt. Give it a day or two and let it play on her mind, she will think about how good the last few weeks had been and that her ways were the issue that caused you to have doubts. Women hate rejection, it will play heavy in her head and she will get jealous of thought of you treating someone else as well as you treat her. 

Endlessly chasing a girl is a turn off for them in my opinion, turn the tables and make her realise she's the issue and that you're too good a thing to lose. 

I'd like to think she hasn't changed her mind in three short weeks since we opened up. As much as I'd like it to go there, sex is one of the last things I want to prioritise. I like the girl, and I've had it in the past where I kept a girl 'hungry' through using it to my advantage. But I didn't really have that connection with her. This girl gives me butterflies.

I can understand what you're saying, about then going cold on her. I don't go out of my way to bombard her with messages or drawn-out chatter, and feel like she respects it. As you say, when a girl knows they're being chased it can be really off-putting, so I'm being extremely cautious in how I tread.

1 hour ago, Bluewolf said:

To be honest that advice to give up and move on is fairly sound...

There are so many details of this situation that remain a mystery, like how long you have known each other for example, were you close as friends before getting these feelings?? 

Either she is attracted to you in the ways you would like or she's not and I hate to rain on your parade but it sounds as though she is not.. Your determination to not give up on the situation could be heaping a ton of pressure on her to give the answer you want to hear rather than giving you an honest answer that does not ruin your friendship.. The more you try to push the issue the worse the outcome is likely to be like giving it a go under duress and then both of you calling a it a day at some point in near future then risking losing that which you already have.. 

Just sounds from the little you have told us that she is unsure she wants more from it but you are pushing on regardless rather than easing off and seeing what happens naturally.. 

It's definetely solid advice to give up and move on. I've considered it, but I'm sceptical.

We've known eachother for a couple of years, and I'd say we've been friends for a year. We've gotten increasingly closer since around Christmas time I'd say.

I'm of the position where I don't want to overdo things, so I've stopped pushing. I'm going with our natural vibe and since I've stopped visibly trying we've gotten a lot more comfortable around each other again. She isn't the sort of girl who deals well with emotions. From my observations in person, she's septical and likes to play the cards close. She values her independence and feeling as though she can make her own decisions in what she does with her time, which I value of course. I spoke to her about this around February, and it's something she's very fierce in. I don't think she's not interested, but I think it's rather more to do with that perceived pressure as you say.

[Eco]

1 hour ago, Robbie said:

I'm 22, and I'd say it's not been too long. I'd say it's been lingering for about a month.

Cheers - 

The reason I ask is that I'm over a decade over than you, and I can tell that when I hit 23-24, I changed to where I no longer spent time with people that were hot and cold, wishy washy, up and down, and all that jazz. I spent time with people who were better at handling their emotions and know who they were and that were generally good people. 

Drama queens? Out also. 

The point? My life got significantly better when I eliminated all of the back and forth shit in my life. There are too many people, and too little time, to be merging the two with people who need attention or who can't make up there minds and thus play you along. 

 

[Devil]

19 minutes ago, Eco said:

Cheers - 

The reason I ask is that I'm over a decade over than you, and I can tell that when I hit 23-24, I changed to where I no longer spent time with people that were hot and cold, wishy washy, up and down, and all that jazz. I spent time with people who were better at handling their emotions and know who they were and that were generally good people. 

Drama queens? Out also. 

The point? My life got significantly better when I eliminated all of the back and forth shit in my life. There are too many people, and too little time, to be merging the two with people who need attention or who can't make up there minds and thus play you along. 

 

This is exactly the advice I was going to give him, but I must have turned to the wrong page in my little black and book and ended up giving him the "How to get rid of a woman in two week's" advice instead.

[CaaC (John)+]

2 hours ago, Robbie said:

I've been trying the thing with the eyes funnily enough. I wear glasses normally, and I've noticed she looks at me a lot and with quite big eyes regardless of if I wear them or not. Observed them when she's completely disinterested in a conversation and they're quite small.

When we have a physiological response, such as fear, surprise, or attraction, this can also make our pupils bigger. The dilation of the pupils is also referred to as mydriasis. ... Studies have shown that when viewing images of someone that you find attractive it can illicit a nonverbal response of pupil dilation.

Do your eyes dilate when you are attracted to someone

https://www.oregoneyes.net › do-your-eyes-dilate-when.

 

[Rick]

On 15/07/2021 at 01:27, Toinho said:

Tough decision to make. I’m sure you’ve done what’s best for you both but I must ask… were neither of you on contraception?? 

Yeah, I was using protection but had a mishap. I’d rather not go into the details of it all though. 

[Rick]

3 hours ago, Eco said:

Cheers - 

The reason I ask is that I'm over a decade over than you, and I can tell that when I hit 23-24, I changed to where I no longer spent time with people that were hot and cold, wishy washy, up and down, and all that jazz. I spent time with people who were better at handling their emotions and know who they were and that were generally good people. 

Drama queens? Out also. 

The point? My life got significantly better when I eliminated all of the back and forth shit in my life. There are too many people, and too little time, to be merging the two with people who need attention or who can't make up there minds and thus play you along. 

 

This is the best advice @Robbie 

Don’t let anybody else decided when you are and aren’t happy. And somebody who blows hot and cold will always do that to you. It’s all great when they are on, you feel on top of the world, life is perfect. But when they are off, you go straight into self doubt mode and your mood ends up being dictated by them. Fuck that, and fuck people who play you like that. 
 

Take control of the situation and end it. That’s my advice (which you may be inclined to ignore after what I’ve been in here with in the past week) and that’s from my own experience. 

[Stan]

9 hours ago, Devil said:

 

My advice, whilst she's in one of her very hot periods get with her and make sure your at the top of your game, let her know how much you like her, treat her well, make sure she's kept happy in every way if you know what I mean. 

Then go cold on her, tell her you really like her but you don't trust she's committed enough because she's gone cold in the past, basically make out like you don't want to be let down and hurt. Give it a day or two and let it play on her mind, she will think about how good the last few weeks had been and that her ways were the issue that caused you to have doubts. Women hate rejection, it will play heavy in her head and she will get jealous of thought of you treating someone else as well as you treat her. 

Endlessly chasing a girl is a turn off for them in my opinion, turn the tables and make her realise she's the issue and that you're too good a thing to lose. 

This is such bad advice

Just because people play games doesn't mean you should join in. Messing with her head will just cause trust issues later on even if either of them don't realise it straight away. 

[ROBBIEFC]

I've taken everything you've all said on board. I'm working with this girl in just under an hour, and I'll be sure to pay close attention. Thanks everyone, it means a lot!

[Whiskey]

On 14/07/2021 at 11:11, Rick said:

So, yesterday as I was finishing work she phoned me and asked me if we could talk. So we’ve ended up having a conversation and she told me “I don’t know how you’re going to react to this but I’m not ready to have another baby”.
 

Her son is only 5 months old, and she ended up pregnant again. I completely understand her reasons for not wanting to go ahead with the pregnancy. If I was in her position I would be making the same decision. She has been honest and says that mentally she knows she wouldn’t be able to cope with having two very young baby’s alone, and to be honest that was my main worry about the whole thing; her whole mental state when she has two screaming babies at 3 in the morning and nobody there to support her. There’s only so much family can do for her and as much as I would have been hands on, I can’t be there 24/7 either. She phoned the doctor today, they said that they will contact her with an appointment. She has asked me to be there with her, which I obviously was going to do anyways. 
 

I don’t know how to feel at the moment, it just feels so surreal. Like I’m just in one big blur or some weird dream that doesn’t feel real. On one had I feel incredibly sad and guilty, but on the other I have the feeling of relief for myself and her too. The relief in not worrying how my child is doing on a day to day basis, if he’s missing out on things, the idea of her getting with a new partner and them being around my child…all of those thoughts were just circling my mind. I never want to go through this situation ever again. In the short space of a couple of weeks my outlook on life has been changed quite massively. 
 

So now, the plan is to be supportive through this process. With it being so early, the doctor has said it will just be a couple of tablets to take and not anything invasive, which I think makes it a little bit easier to deal with. 

So she's got a five month old baby and is already having unsafe sex with another bloke (yourself) that she's just met? 

[Rick]

2 minutes ago, Whiskey said:

So she's got a five month old baby and is already having unsafe sex with another bloke (yourself) that she's just met? 

It wasn’t unsafe mate.

[Dr. Gonzo]

5 hours ago, Devil said:

This is exactly the advice I was going to give him, but I must have turned to the wrong page in my little black and book and ended up giving him the "How to get rid of a woman in two week's" advice instead.

 I don't think your advice necessarily gets rid of women quick...

... but I don't think it's really the starting ground for a healthy relationship. I've been in relationships with women who "play the game" so I "played it back with them" and the relationships ended up being shit tbh. There would be trust issues (on both sides) and honestly maybe it was because I was about a decade younger (sometimes more) and so were the women and maybe we weren't the most emotionally mature but I felt like those relationships ended up being the most volatile relationships I was in.

So you advice could work and could lead to a decently long relationship... but... I don't think the quality of the relationship would be that great and it would probably not end up being a meaningful relationship.

@Robbie - I think you've been given some pretty good advice on here though that I don't think I can really add to. I don't necessarily think that someone who "blows hot or cold" is someone you can't have a good relationship with, there can be lots of reasons why a person is like that and I don't think it's the greatest to assume that some people can't get happier and make changes to their behavior when they are happier... but it is something to be aware of and it can be a sign of a lack of emotional maturity that can be very difficult to handle in a relationship.

To me, it sounds like she's a bit on guard about fancying you because she's had at least one very shit relationship that went weird for her though.